August 22, 2008

Some Things I Don't Understand

1. I travel to the Mid-West frequently, and I often come across something called the Fifth Third Bank.

One question always comes to mind. How the hell did they come up with that name?

I have two theories. First, Fifth National Bank merged with Third National Bank. This seems the most likely explanation. The problem is, it just raises another question. Why would anyone name themselves Fifth National Bank? Or, for that matter, Third National Bank?

The second theory is even more unlikely. Someone at the bank has a sense of humor.

2. It’s amazing how much we don’t know.

When we were in school, we were taught that all matter was made of atoms. We were taught that there were four forces of nature.

Well, it turns out that those ideas are not even close. According to current theories, all the matter and all the energy we can detect constitute only about 10% of the universe. We have no idea what the other 90% of the universe is made of. Scientists call it "dark matter" and "dark energy" because they are completely clueless about what it is.

Remember, we're talking about 400 years of very rigorous science here. In this field, you don't get away with bullshit. If you think you "know" something, you better be able to prove it.

So next time some account planner tells you she "knows" what motivates consumers, gently explain to her that nobody knows anything -- especially her.

3. You ever notice when celebrity morons talk about their “past lives” they were always princesses or knights or pharaohs?

In a former life, no one was ever a dry cleaner.

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