August 05, 2008

10 Ways to Write 5 Times Better Online Copy in 3 Easy Steps

People often say to me, "Bob, how can I be a successful online copywriter like you?" Well, I'm here to tell you that you, too, can be a famous online copywriter and make billions of dollars and have red-hot nymphos crawling all over you.

What's the secret? First, you need to get some words. Without words, writing is a thankless chore. Take the Sumerians. They didn't have words.
They had pictures. Now they're all dead.

There are many kinds of words. Some words are small. Some are big, like delicatessen. Some of them, frankly, need more vowels (Krzyzewski, you listening?)

The best part? They're all free! Any word you want. Even "penultimate."

When we write online copy, the words we use say a lot about us. If we are funny, then we want to use "funny" words, like "homo" or "Kotex."

If we are depressed, we want to use depressing words like "advertising" or "exercise."

The important thing is to be yourself when you are writing. If you don’t know who you are, you have to find yourself. The best place to find yourself is in bed. Hopefully, with someone cute.

Creativity: The Key To Being Creative.

In order to be a successful online copywriter you have to be creative. The most important part of being creative is "creativity". Without "creativity" most of us wouldn’t have a creative bone in our body. Except maybe our coccyx.

Nobody really knows what "creativity" is. Every year thousands of people take a pilgrimage to find out. This involves flying to Cannes, snorting cocaine, and having sex with smokers.

How do you nourish your creativity? I suggest chicken caesar wraps, but I know a very successful dance instructor who swears by strawberry Toaster Strudel.

The important thing to remember is that we’re all creative. Although, honestly, I have my doubts about Trent Lott.

The F Word: It’s Fucking Awesome!

On the internet, content is king. And dirty words is queen.

If you are writing a blog, you must be hard-boiled and never show weakness. You must not let on that you are from Scarsdale and went to Hofstra and worked at Grey. You must show the world that you’re an anarchistic, hard-living, hard-drinking bastard. And what better way to be a bad-ass mothafucka than to use naughty language.

Words like "fuck”, “bullshit”, “douchenozzle” and “dickhead” make your copy sing! Put a few of them together and you’ve got magic -- “Fucking dickhead!”, “Fucking douchenozzle!”, “Fucking fuck!”

The ability to express complex concepts in a censorship-free environment is what makes the web great. Well, that and those super hot pictures of Brit.

Understanding Your Online Customer

Let’s face it. Most of the people who visit your website are fucking douchenozzles. Nonetheless, they got money and you want it!

I mean, um, they are Web 2.0 savvy consumers whose engagement with their own personal brands make them willing to interact in a conversational way that leverages the social media to become engaged customers for life.

Remember: Engaging content is how you engage their engagement.

The Three Simple, Secret Principles To Magical Copywriting Success

Now we get to the heart of the matter. Anyone can be a successful online copywriter if you just follow these three simple, secret, magical rules.

1. Don’t use Windex on your computer screen. It fucks up the molecules or something.

2. Don’t hold back. People love to know personal details about you. Unless you have a hernia or some kind of smelly intestinal disorder.

3. Amateur MILF in wild inter-racial 3-way... Oops, sorry, wrong website.

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