April 02, 2009

Report: Everything Officially Dead Except The Web

NEW YORK -- Officials at the Online Institute of Life and Death reported today that everything except the internet is now officially dead. The Institute released a partial list of dead things:
  • Television is dead
  • Newspapers are dead
  • Advertising is dead
  • Magazines are dead
  • God is dead
  • Paul is dead
  • Hidden Valley Fiesta Ranch Dip Mix is dead
  • Grateful is dead
  • Death itself is dead
  • Everything else is dead
To make up for the death of everything, certain necessities of life will be made universally available on the web.
Food: Food can now be downloaded in 140-calorie packets called Tweats.

Sex: Sex is also available on line in several varieties. Gay sex is available at Flitter.com; oral sex is available at Spitter.com; married sex is available at Bitter.com; and mental masturbation is available, as always, here at The Ad Contrarian.

Social Notworking: Social media worldwide conferences will be held every day -- just as they are now. Except they will be conducted on line, so web weenies can Twitter each other about how great social media is and do even less fucking work.
Additionally, officials at the Institute reported that they think they may be dead, but are awaiting confirmation from Advertising Age, which is also dead.

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