The Cluefree Manifesto

To many web maniacs, a pivotal moment occurred 10 years ago when something called "The Cluetrain Manifesto" was published.

The Cluetrain Manifesto was a foundational document in the "conversationalist" school of marketing. It included "95 Theses" in the style of Martin Luther, meant as a denunciation of contemporary marketing and a clarion call to a new, idealized age of marketing enabled by digital communication.

The Cluetrain Manifesto's “95 Theses” was a smug and annoying document written in the voice of a petulant tenth-grader. Its vision somehow failed to foresee Facebook stalking, idiotic tweets, Viagra spam, or Ethiopian lotteries.

From a distance of 10 years, it seems even more ridiculous.

In celebration of its 10th anniversary, I have taken the liberty of updating it for 2009 -- “The Cluefree Manifesto."

1. Markets are conversations.	1. Markets are conversations. Supermarkets are arguments.
2. Markets consist of human beings, not demographic sectors.	2. Markets consist of aisles and checkout stands and sometimes a nice deli counter.
3. Conversations among human beings sound human. They are conducted in a human voice.	3. Conversations among human beings sound irritating. You're better off watching Cartoon Network.
4. Whether delivering information, opinions, perspectives, dissenting arguments or humorous asides, the human voice is typically open, natural, uncontrived.	4. Whether delivering information, pizza, parcels, or dry cleaning, the human voice is typically screechy and bothersome. Especially my sister-in-law.
5. People recognize each other as such from the sound of this voice	5. People recognize each other and, wisely, cross the street.
6. The Internet is enabling conversations among human beings that were simply not possible in the era of mass media.	6. The Internet is enabling conversations among human beings that were simply not possible when we could see each other and retaliate physically.
7. Hyperlinks subvert hierarchy.	7. Hot links subvert haute cuisine.
8. In both internetworked markets and among intranetworked employees, people are speaking to each other in a powerful new way.	8. In both internetworked markets and among intranetworked employees, internecine indo-chinese intervention is intentionally unintelligible.
9. These networked conversations are enabling powerful new forms of social organization and knowledge exchange to emerge.	9. These networked conversations are enabling new forms of anonymous verbal abuse to emerge.
10. As a result, markets are getting smarter, more informed, more organized. Participation in a networked market changes people fundamentally.	10. As a result, markets are getting smarter. People, on the other hand, are getting way dumber.
11. People in networked markets have figured out that they get far better information and support from one another than from vendors. So much for corporate rhetoric about adding value to commoditized products.	11. People in networked markets have figured out that they get far better information and support from one another than from the IT department.
12. There are no secrets. The networked market knows more than companies do about their own products. And whether the news is good or bad, they tell everyone.	12. There are no secrets. Except how to change line spacing in Powerpoint.
13. What's happening to markets is also happening among employees. A metaphysical construct called "The Company" is the only thing standing between the two.	13. What's happening to markets is also happening among employees. A metaphysical construct called "The Paycheck" is the only thing standing between the two.
14. Corporations do not speak in the same voice as these new networked conversations. To their intended online audiences, companies sound hollow, flat, literally inhuman.	14. Corporations do not speak in the same voice as these new networked conversations. Especially when they inhale helium and talk like gerbils or something.
15. In just a few more years, the current homogenized "voice" of business†"the sound of mission statements and brochures‚" will seem as contrived and artificial as the language of the 18th century French court.	15. In just a few more years, the current homogenized "voice" of business will seem as contrived and artificial as the language of the "Cluetrain Manifesto."
16. Already, companies that speak in the language of the pitch, the dog-and-pony show, are no longer speaking to anyone.	16. Already, companies that speak in the language of the pitch, the dog-and-pony show, are no longer speaking to anyone. Except, of course, their customers.
17. Companies that assume online markets are the same markets that used to watch their ads on television are kidding themselves.	17. Companies that assume online markets exist are kidding themselves.
18. Companies that don't realize their markets are now networked person-to-person, getting smarter as a result and deeply joined in conversation are missing their best opportunity.	18. Companies that don't realize their markets are now networked person-to-person, getting smarter as a result and deeply joined in conversation are probably confused by the structure of illiterate sentences like this.
19. Companies can now communicate with their markets directly. If they blow it, it could be their last chance.	19. Companies can now communicate with their markets directly. Or they can just go there and stand in line like the rest of us.
20. Companies need to realize their markets are often laughing. At them.	20. Smug, pompous doofuses with manifestos need to realize that humans are often laughing. At them.
21. Companies need to lighten up and take themselves less seriously. They need to get a sense of humor.	21. Smug, pompous doofuses with manifestos need to lighten up and take themselves less seriously. They need to get a sense of humor. And maybe an enema wouldn't hurt either.
22. Getting a sense of humor does not mean putting some jokes on the corporate web site. Rather, it requires big values, a little humility, straight talk, and a genuine point of view.	22. Getting a sense of humor does not mean putting some jokes on the corporate web site. Unless they're about farts or poop.
23. Companies attempting to "position" themselves need to take a position. Optimally, it should relate to something their market actually cares about.	23. Companies attempting to "position" themselves need to take a position. I saw one online where the girl was on top. Awesome.
24. Bombastic boasts‚ "We are positioned to become the preeminent provider of XYZ"‚ do not constitute a position.	24. Bombastic boasts do not constitute a position. Except in certain doofus manifestos, which are pretty much nothing but.
25. Companies need to come down from their Ivory Towers and talk to the people with whom they hope to create relationships.	25. Companies need to come down from their Ivory Towers. But be careful. Those Ivory Steps are slippery.
26. Public Relations does not relate to the public. Companies are deeply afraid of their markets.	26. Companies are deeply afraid of their markets and sometimes of their dry cleaners.
27. By speaking in language that is distant, uninviting, arrogant, they build walls to keep markets at bay.	27. By speaking in language that is distant, uninviting, arrogant, doofus manifestos invite parody.
28. Most marketing programs are based on the fear that the market might see what's really going on inside the company.	28. Most manifesto writers fear that people might see what's really on their hard drive.
29. Elvis said it best: "We can't go on together with suspicious minds."	29. Elvis said it best: "Pass the Twinkies, darlin'."
30. Brand loyalty is the corporate version of going steady, but the breakup is inevitable and coming fast. Because they are networked, smart markets are able to renegotiate relationships with blinding speed.	30. Brand loyalty is the corporate version of going steady. Email marketing is the corporate version of making out. Mileage Plus is the corporate version of petting to climax.
31. Networked markets can change suppliers overnight. Networked knowledge workers can change employers over lunch. Your own "downsizing initiatives" taught us to ask the question: "Loyalty? What's that?"	31. Networked markets can change pajamas overnight. Networked knowledge workers can change their shorts over lunch. Your own "downsizing initiatives" taught us to ask the question: "Anyone see my Crocs?"
32. Smart markets will find suppliers who speak their own language.	32. Smart markets will find suppliers with good seats at Laker games.
33. Learning to speak with a human voice is not a parlor trick. It can't be "picked up" at some tony conference.	33. Learning to speak with a human voice is not a parlor trick. Unless you're a ventriloquist or something.
34. To speak with a human voice, companies must share the concerns of their communities.	34. To speak with a human voice, companies must not pretend to be chipmunks like that stupid Christmas song.
35. But first, they must belong to a community.	35. But first, they must belong to a "Gentlemen's Club," if you get my drift.
36. Companies must ask themselves where their corporate cultures end.	36. Companies must ask themselves where their corporate cultures end. And also where the damn stapler went.
37. If their cultures end before the community begins, they will have no market.	37. If their cultures end before the holiday season they'll be sorry because that's when all the fun starts.
38. Human communities are based on discourse-- human speech about human concerns.	38. Human communities are based mostly on whining. Especially communities with manifestos.
39. The community of discourse is the market.	39. The community of discourse is the market. Or haven't we hit you over the head with this enough yet?
40. Companies that do not belong to a community of discourse will die.	40. Companies that do not belong to a community of discourse will die. Or at least get a rotator cuff injury and need an MRI.
41. Companies make a religion of security, but this is largely a red herring. Most are protecting less against competitors than against their own market and workforce.	41. Companies make a religion of security, but this is largely a red herring. Most are protecting less against competitors than against those guys selling magazine subscriptions.
42. As with networked markets, people are also talking to each other directly inside the company -- and not just about rules and regulations, boardroom directives, bottom lines.	42. As with networked markets, people are also talking to each other directly inside the company -- and not just about rules and regulations, boardroom directives, bottom lines. Also about recipes, and those Viagra emails, and Tiger. What's up with him?
43. Such conversations are taking place today on corporate intranets. But only when the conditions are right.	43. Such conversations are taking place today on corporate intranets. But only when the phone system is down.
44. Companies typically install intranets top-down to distribute HR policies and other corporate information that workers are doing their best to ignore.	44. Companies typically ride around in convertibles with the top-down, which is silly unless you don't care about how your hair looks.
45. Intranets naturally tend to route around boredom. The best are built bottom-up by engaged individuals cooperating to construct something far more valuable: an intranetworked corporate conversation.	45. Intranets naturally tend to route around the bedroom. Sometimes the people in these bedrooms are engaged individuals. Sometimes they're married. Sometimes they're just getting one off.
46. A healthy intranet organizes workers in many meanings of the word. Its effect is more radical than the agenda of any union.	46. A healthy intranet organizes workers in many meanings of the word. What word? I don't know.
47. While this scares companies witless, they also depend heavily on open intranets to generate and share critical knowledge. They need to resist the urge to "improve" or control these networked conversations.	47. While this scares companies witless, it doesn't scare them as much as watching Wolf Blitzer, or renting an Olds Alero.
48. When corporate intranets are not constrained by fear and legalistic rules, the type of conversation they encourage sounds remarkably like the conversation of the networked marketplace.	48. When corporate intranets are not constrained by fear and legalistic rules, the type of conversation they encourage sounds remarkably like the pompous bullshit we're putting out right here.
49. Org charts worked in an older economy where plans could be fully understood from atop steep management pyramids and detailed work orders could be handed down from on high.	49. Org charts worked in an older economy where Pharoahs lived in steep pyramids and got high.
50. Today, the org chart is hyperlinked, not hierarchical. Respect for hands-on knowledge wins over respect for abstract authority.	50. Today, the org chart is hyperlinked, not hierarchical. Respect for hands-on knowledge wins over respect for abstract authority. That's why Steve Jobs has to take so much shit from receptionists and software engineers, poor bastard.
51. Command-and-control management styles both derive from and reinforce bureaucracy, power tripping and an overall culture of paranoia.	51. Command-and-control management styles both derive from and reinforce bureaucracy, power tripping, an overall culture of paranoia, and everything else that's wrong with the world and I'm gonna hold my breath until they stop doing that.
52. Paranoia kills conversation. That's its point. But lack of open conversation kills companies.	52. Raid kills bugs fast.
53. There are two conversations going on. One inside the company. One with the market.	53. There are two conversations going on. How am I supposed to read? Would you please be quiet. And turn down that damn stereo.
54. In most cases, neither conversation is going very well. Almost invariably, the cause of failure can be traced to obsolete notions of command and control.	54. In most cases, neither conversation is going very well. Especially the one about lending money to your brother.
55. As policy, these notions are poisonous. As tools, they are broken. Command and control are met with hostility by intranetworked knowledge workers and generate distrust in internetworked markets.	55. As policy, these notions are poisonous. As tools, they are broken. Command and control are met with hostility by intranetworked knowledge workers and generate distrust in internetworked markets. And also in interior-networked nutella worknuts and indo-worknetted net-interworkers.
56. These two conversations want to talk to each other. They are speaking the same language. They recognize each other's voices.	56. These two conversations want to talk to each other. They recognize each other's voices. They sing the same songs. They dance in the moonlight. They fly on gossamer wings. They love, and love to be loved. They find meaning in meaning, and nothing in nothingness. They chant beneath the stars and write infantile horseshit.
57. Smart companies will get out of the way and help the inevitable to happen sooner.	57. Smart companies will get out of the way and let doofuses who speak in pathetic connect-o-babble take over.
58. If willingness to get out of the way is taken as a measure of IQ, then very few companies have yet wised up.	58. If willingness to get out of the way is taken as a measure of sperm count, then very few companies are having nocturnal emissions.
59. However subliminally at the moment, millions of people now online perceive companies as little more than quaint legal fictions that are actively preventing these conversations from intersecting.	59. However subliminally at the moment, millions of people now online perceive companies as little more than quaint legal fictions that are actively preventing these conversations from intersecting. Except when they want to buy something. Then they like these companies just fine.
60. This is suicidal. Markets want to talk to companies.	60. This is suicidal. Markets want to talk to companies. But if the phone is busy, sometimes they just send a 'thank you' card or a handwritten note, which I always think is a nice touch.
61. Sadly, the part of the company a networked market wants to talk to is usually hidden behind a smokescreen of hucksterism, of language that rings false -- and often is.	61. Sadly, the part of the company a networked market wants to talk to is the good looking babes stuck in some rotten cubicle doing Excel spreadsheets.
62. Markets do not want to talk to flacks and hucksters. They want to participate in the conversations going on behind the corporate firewall.	62. Markets do not want to talk to flacks and hucksters. They want those hot babes and they want 'em now.
63. De-cloaking, getting personal: We are those markets. We want to talk to you.	63. De-cloaking, getting personal: We are those markets. We are the world. We are the children. (C'mon everyone!) We are the ones who make a brighter day, so let's start giving...
64. We want access to your corporate information, to your plans and strategies, your best thinking, your genuine knowledge. We will not settle for the 4-color brochure, for web sites chock-a-block with eye candy but lacking any substance.	64. We want access to your corporate information, to your plans and strategies, your wives, your daughters, your liquor cabinet, your stash. And could you front us twenty till Friday?
65. We're also the workers who make your companies go. We want to talk to customers directly in our own voices, not in platitudes written into a script.	65. We're also the workers who make your companies go. (How? We put Metamucil in the Crystal Geyser. Dude!)
66. As markets, as workers, both of us are sick to death of getting our information by remote control. Why do we need faceless annual reports and third-hand market research studies to introduce us to each other?	66. As markets, as workers, both of us are sick to death of getting our information by remote control. Why can't we just get together over a drink and then, I don't know, we could go to my place or something?
67. As markets, as workers, we wonder why you're not listening. You seem to be speaking a different language.	67. As markets, as workers, we wonder why you're not listening. Is it because we're so fucking annoying?
68. The inflated self-important jargon you sling around -- in the press, at your conferences -- what's that got to do with us?	68. The inflated self-important jargon you sling around -- it's kid stuff compared to this horseshit.
69. Maybe you're impressing your investors. Maybe you're impressing Wall Street. You're not impressing us.	69. Maybe you're impressing your investors. Maybe you're impressing Wall Street. You're not impressing us. But if we could borrow your Beemer for the weekend, that would be like totally impressive.
70. If you don't impress us, your investors are going to take a bath. Don't they understand this? If they did, they wouldn't let you talk that way.	70. If you don't impress us, your investors are going to take a bath. Maybe we will, too. Do we smell bad? Seriously...?
71. Your tired notions of "the market" make our eyes glaze over. We don't recognize ourselves in your projections -- perhaps because we know we're already elsewhere.	71. Your tired notions of "the market" make our eyes glaze over. And our noses run. And that gooey stuff to accumulate between our toes.
72. We like this new marketplace much better. In fact, we are creating it.	72. We like this new marketplace much better. In fact, we are creating it. And you're not invited. And if you tell mom, I'll kill you.
73. You're invited, but it's our world. Take your shoes off at the door. If you want to barter with us, get down off that camel!	73. You're invited, but it's our world. Take off your shoes. Get down off that camel. And clean up your room young lady.
74. We are immune to advertising. Just forget it.	74. We are immune to advertising. This iPhone? It's my cousin's.
75. If you want us to talk to you, tell us something. Make it something interesting for a change.	75. If you want us to talk to you, you must be very, very lonely.
76. We've got some ideas for you too: some new tools we need, some better service. Stuff we'd be willing to pay for. Got a minute?	76. We've got some ideas for you too: but we're not going to tell because it's for us to know and you to find out!
77. You're too busy "doing business" to answer our email? Oh gosh, sorry, gee, we'll come back later. Maybe.	77. You're too busy "doing business" to answer our email? Well, okay, if you don't want the 70 million dollars you won in the Ethiopian lottery, than too bad for you!
78. You want us to pay? We want you to pay attention.	78. You want us to pay? We want you to pay attention. Look at me when I'm talking to you!
79. We want you to drop your trip, come out of your neurotic self-involvement, join the party.	79. We want you to drop your trip, come out of your neurotic self-involvement, join the party. And maybe you can bring some beer. And not that cheap Pabst crap, either.
80. Don't worry, you can still make money. That is, as long as it's not the only thing on your mind.	80. Don't worry, you can still make money. That is, as long as you don't hire morons like us.
81. Have you noticed that, in itself, money is kind of one-dimensional and boring? What else can we talk about?	81. Have you noticed that, in itself, money is kind of one-dimensional and boring? Remind you of anyone?
82. Your product broke. Why? We'd like to ask the guy who made it. Your corporate strategy makes no sense. We'd like to have a chat with your CEO. What do you mean she's not in?	82. Your product broke. Why? I'll tell you why. Because I tried to stick my wife's cat in it and he started screeching and biting. And we'd like to dance with your CEO. What do you mean she doesn't slow dance?
83. We want you to take 50 million of us as seriously as you take one reporter from The Wall Street Journal.	83. We want you to take 50 million of us as seriously as you take one reporter from The Wall Street Journal.  And 100 million of us as seriously as...let's see...3 reporters... no 2 reporters..
84. We know some people from your company. They're pretty cool online. Do you have any more like that you're hiding? Can they come out and play?	84. We know some people from your company. We've seen videos of them online. You think you could fix us up? I can borrow my mom's Windstar.
85. When we have questions we turn to each other for answers. If you didn't have such a tight rein on "your people" maybe they'd be among the people we'd turn to.	85. When we have questions we turn to each other for answers. That's why we're so fucking stupid.
86. When we're not busy being your "target market," many of us are your people. We'd rather be talking to friends online than watching the clock. That would get your name around better than your entire million dollar web site. But you tell us speaking to the market is Marketing's job.	86. When we're not busy being your "target market," many of us are your people. We'd rather be talking to friends online than watching the clock. Actually, we'd rather be doing anything online because online is the only place we can criticize everything and everyone without anyone seeing what hopeless wankers we are.
87. We'd like it if you got what's going on here. That'd be real nice. But it would be a big mistake to think we're holding our breath.	87. We'd like it if you got what's going on here. You just don't get it, do you? Do you?
88. We have better things to do than worry about whether you'll change in time to get our business. Business is only a part of our lives. It seems to be all of yours. Think about it: who needs whom?	88. We have better things to do than worry about whether you'll change in time to get our business. We're doing a World of Warcarft all-nighter. Wanna come over?
89. We have real power and we know it. If you don't quite see the light, some other outfit will come along that's more attentive, more interesting, more fun to play with.	89. We have real power and we know it. Don't let this pitiful whining fool you.
90. Even at its worst, our newfound conversation is more interesting than most trade shows, more entertaining than any TV sitcom, and certainly more true-to-life than the corporate web sites we've been seeing.	90. Even at its worst, our newfound conversation is more interesting than...I don't know...reciting the periodic table five times backwards?
91. Our allegiance is to ourselves -- our friends, our new allies and acquaintances, even our sparring partners. Companies that have no part in this world, also have no future.	91. Our allegiance is to ourselves -- and to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands...
92. Companies are spending billions of dollars on Y2K. Why can't they hear this market timebomb ticking? The stakes are even higher.	92. Companies are spending billions of dollars on Y2K. Why can't they buy us a beer? Just one. Is that too much to ask? Oh, and maybe a sandwich. Nothing fancy. Tuna or something? And no olives.
93. We're both inside companies and outside them. The boundaries that separate our conversations look like the Berlin Wall today, but they're really just an annoyance. We know they're coming down. We're going to work from both sides to take them down.	93. We're both inside companies and outside them. That's why there's that smell.
94. To traditional corporations, networked conversations may appear confused, may sound confusing. But we are organizing faster than they are. We have better tools, more new ideas, no rules to slow us down.	94. To traditional corporations, networked conversations may appear confused, may sound confusing. But we are organizing faster than they are. We have better tools, nicer pencils cases, and watches that can tell the time in three different time zones. Wanna see?
95. We are waking up and linking to each other. We are watching. But we are not waiting.	95. We are waking up and linking to each other. Then we are having strawberry Toaster Strudel and going back to sleep. Please don't slam the door.

Happy New Year. 
See you in January.