The Eco-Marketing Scam

Here at Ad Contrarian World Headquarters, we bow to no man in our appreciation of ducks and trees and beavers and lilacs and swamps and mud and bunnies and oxygen.

However, we also harbor deep suspicions about people who make a public spectacle of their supposed dedication to environmental purity. As far as we're concerned, the philosophical underpinnings of a virtuous life can be summed up very briefly -- do it and shut the fuck up.

Consequently, we are more than a little annoyed at the burgeoning movement toward environmental grandstanding by corporate America. We are happy that corporations are starting to feel responsible for the messes they create. But we are of the mind that cleaning-up after yourself is a fundamental responsibility, not an extra credit project.

Of all the eco-bluster currently in vogue, the kind that really fries our eggs is the kind that hijacks the language of environmentalism, but has nothing at all do with it.

On your right you will see a little bit of cynical eco-babble we found in a Westin hotel last week. You probably can't read the small print, but what it says is that by not using the double-headed shower apparatus they have installed we can "restore our world."

So here's what I want to know. If they're so concerned about restoring our world, why the fuck did they install these wasteful, unnecessary shower heads to begin with?

Because they're phony, cynical bastards who are trying to have it both ways? I would never say such a thing, but a less magnanimous person might certainly draw that conclusion.

Advertising's Final Solution

Good news!

We no longer need creative people in advertising.

We can finally get rid of those annoying, whiney, pains-in-the-ass.

According to The New York Times there's a new software program developed by an agency called BETC Euro RSCG,  that can generate advertising by itself.

But before we get to the software, let's talk about the agency for a minute.

Does an agency really need 8 initials? I mean, the whole name is only twelve letters long -- BETC Euro RSCG. And eight of them are initials.  Maybe they should have used their software program.

Well, anyway, according to the Times, this program can generate up to 200,000 "perfectly acceptable" ads for print, billboards, or banners. This sounds to me like an improvement because, honestly, I've seen a lot of banner ads that were perfectly awful, but I don't think I've ever seen one that was perfectly acceptable.

Now that computers can write and design ads, we can get down to the real business of advertising -- you know, meetings and downloads and uploads and briefings and off-sites and powerpoints and metrics and brand audits and deep dives.

We don't have to pretend we're in a "creative" business anymore. We can just do the things we're good at -- imitation anthropology, sidewalk psychology, strategy torturing, and data misinterpretation.

No more of that so-called "creativity" bullshit.

Thanks to Sharon Krinsky for the heads-up on this.

Does Your Brand Truly Care? Truly?

Last weekend I read a blog post in the American Express Open Forum. It was called Serving Is the New Selling: How to be a 'Brand Butler.'

That's right -- a 'Brand Butler.'

Here's what I learned...

"...customers expect that the brands they do business with truly care."

Thank goodness someone in marketing finally gets it!

I want my brands to truly care about me! That's right, ME! I've had it with brands that don't understand me as a person; or even worse, don't even know who I really am! I am special, darn it, and I expect everyone and everything to truly care about ME!

Well, as luck would have it, yesterday I was not feeling well. I'd had a fight with my wife. Coincidentally, I also needed gas in my car. So I went down to the Texaco.

I started pumping away, when out came Razi from behind his bullet-proof glass enclosure.

"Mr. Bob, you look sad. What is the problem?" Razi said.

"I'm bummin', Raz. My wife called me a feckless bag of paunchy protoplasm. "

"Hmm. You have to admit, Mr. Bob, it's kind of poetic...in a cruelly truthful sort of way," he said.

"Thanks..."

"You know, Mr. Bob. Here at Texaco, we're not just concerned about "the" environment. We're concerned about everybody's environment. Especially your personal environment."

"Really, Raz?"

"Really, Mr. Bob. What can we at Texaco do to make you feel better by showing you that we truly care?"

"Well, Raz, first I think I need a hug."

"Not gonna happen, Mr. Bob."

"Well, then, maybe you could have a Facebook page with lots of icky platitudes about your commitment to me as a customer. You could use words like "holistic" and "wellness" and "renewal."

"But Mr. Bob, we're a rapacious oil and gas company, not a spa."

"Do you truly care?"

"Yes."

"Truly?"

"Yes."

"Then, my friend, you must learn that in the modern world of marketing no wretched level of fraudulent groveling is too revolting. May I quote from a recent blog I read?...

"...brands urgently need to hone their 'butlering skills,' focusing on assisting consumers to make the most of their daily lives..."

 "Their what skills, Mr. Bob?"

"Butlering."

"So you mean, I need to be kind of a.... a.....brand butler!"

"You know, Raz, I think you have a future as a shameless bullshit artist...oops,  I mean, a marketing blogger."