Who Needs The "R"

Yesterday was February 1st.

Every February 1st I have the same thought. Why the extra R in February? Why?

Nobody needs it. Nobody uses it. Most people don't even pronounce it.

January doesn't have it. It's not Janruary. So why February?

Isn't this month crappy enough without giving it such a lousy name? All it has going for it is President's Day and,  honestly, with the last few presidents we've had, there really ain't much here to celebrate.

It's not even a legitimate month. It's too short and it's way too complicated. Most years it has 28 days. But if the year is divisible by 4 it has 29 days. Except if the year is divisible by 100. But not if it's divisible by 400. You see how screwed up this month is?

And how about the poor bastards who are born on leap year and only get birthday cake every 4 years? (Except if the year is divisible by 100. But not...oh, never mind). Can't they sue or something?

And count on America to make February Black History Month. Couldn't we give them a decent fucking month? Haven't we screwed them enough?

I say we give the extra R to a month that needs it. Like May.

Wouldn't May be more interesting if it had an R. It could be Mary. You see what I mean? The R is doing some good in May. In February it's just sitting there making a shitty month shittier.

Or we could give the R to the 3 R's and then we'd have the 4 R's -- reading, 'riting, rocking, and 'rithmetic. All of a sudden, education sounds better.

Or how about giving it Toys R Us. They have that stupid-ass backward R. A proper R would do them some good. What the hell is it doing for February?

Where does the name February even come from? Probably some asshole Roman emperor.

I think Washington should pass a law saying that no month can have more than one R. It would make February a little less irritating. And it would give congress something useful to do.