Lock Them In A Closet

Last week I dropped my daughter (The Only Person I Really Like) at college.

I highly recommend postponing this activity as long as possible. When you show up on campus, every kid but yours looks like one of the following:

• a drug addict
• a date rapist
• a serial killer
• a tattooed maniac
• a home-schooled, God-bothering zomboid
  
• a pierced and punctured Starbuckista
  
• an incipient booze hound
• a laundry-wearing crypto-terrorist
  
• a sex fiend
• a torturer of small mammals
• a very bad influence

The male faculty all look like Humbert Humbert.

The female faculty are all NPR-addled cigarette jockeys.

The dorms look like minimum security whore houses.

The showers seem shrouded in male pubic hair.

The dorm supervisors are compulsive masturbators.

Don't laugh. This is serious.

Hot Tip For The DEA:
There is a direct relationship between frisbee playing and pot smoking. Get on it!

And Now For Something Completely Different:
For those of you who, like me, have a deep and abiding skepticism about consumer "research", I highly recommend this.

And Now For Something Else Completely Differenter:
After watching Hot Mom With Rifle last night, TAC believes Obama made a huge mistake not selecting Hillary as his running mate and it may cost him the presidency. TAC predicts the most interesting election in decades. (Reminder -- two things TAC is always wrong about: politics and driving directions.)

Returning My Award

This country has a long history of pompous, self-important jerks returning awards.

Today, I am proud to join that brotherhood (yeah, yeah, okay, sisterhood, too. I can see this Sarah Palin thing is going to be a real pain in the ass.)

Last week I won an award. It was an award for having a funny blog. (Apparently laughs are so hard to come by these days that "annoying" passes for "funny.")

It was given to me by other bloggers (in particular, the wonderful Kelly.) The problem is it comes with strings. Frankly, the award is kind of like a pyramid scheme. I can't announce the award until I bestow it on 5 other funny bloggers. Now where the hell am I going to find 5 funny bloggers?

Believe me, I've tried.

I googled "funny blogs" and "humorous blogs." There were long lists of blogs that were supposed to be funny. I spent all Saturday morning reading them. They were about as funny as a hernia operation.

Like I said to Kelly, finding 5 funny bloggers is like finding 5 coherent art directors, or 5 grateful teenagers, or five satisfactory husbands, or 5 McCain voters on the Upper West Side.

Anyone with a sense of humor is not blogging, he’s making fun of bloggers.

I don't want to sound ungrateful, but I'm afraid I may have to turn down the award. And if there's one thing I hate to turn down, it's an award. Or money. Or pizza. Oh, and Ketel One on the rocks with a twist. And a slow dance with a fast girl. And cupcakes. And did I mention Ketel One?

My only hope is you, gentle reader. Can you point me to some funny bloggers?

Speaking Of Awards For Funny:
My business partner, The Klever Mrs. Krinsky, once won an award for a radio commercial she wrote. It was in the "non-humor" category. She stepped up to the podium to accept her award. "Thank you so much for this lovely award. Just one thing. The fucking spot was supposed to be funny."

Marketing Genius Analyzes The Election

Now that all the presidential and vice presidential candidates are known, it's time to analyze the race.

As a certified marketing genius (hey, I have a blog, don't I?) The Ad Contrarian knows that the candidate whose "brand" best "resonates" with "mainstream consumers" is the one who is most likely to attract great numbers of voters and help his/her ticket.

So let's have a look at the four candidates and see how each one will help or hurt the ticket by examining the type of voter each one is most likely to attract:

Here's my analysis:

McCain: The Old Farts With 7 Houses vote is not reliable. They often have trouble finding the polling place. When they do find it, they mostly pull the lever in the mens' room and think they've voted (see Florida, 2004.)

Obama: I went to the Guys Whose Middle Name Is Hussein Facebook page. Not a lot of votes here. Plus they'll probably be pulled aside for secondary screening by TSA agents when they try to enter the voting booth.

Palin: From what I can tell, there just aren't enough Hot Moms With Rifles to make a difference. But please feel free to prove me wrong by sending snapshots.

Biden: Bald Guys In Denial? Billions of 'em. You can't swing a Conair 1450 without hitting a few. They've got sweep-overs, comb-arounds, spray-mounts, alarming toupees, low and high-density plug-jobs, nasty gray pony-tails, and half-empty mullets.

Consequently, TAC predicts that the key to this election is Joe Biden's unnerving hair-do. It will put the Democratic ticket over the top.

Still Hope For Republicans:
Two things TAC is always wrong about: politics and driving directions.