March 10, 2009

Introducing Fritter. It's Even F***ing Stupider Than Twitter!

Here at Ad Contrarian global headquarters, we're always looking to improve the lives of our readers. Now we're developing something we think you're going to like. It's called Fritter.

The idea behind Fritter is to enable you to waste enormous quantities of time publishing self-absorbed ruminations (just like Twitter) -- but the difference is, you can do it without involving others. (Kind of like masturbation, except without the mess.)
Some FAQs about Fritter:

Q: Why do we need Fritter?
TAC: Twitter did a very good job of creating something really stupid. But we feel we can do something really, really stupid.

Q: How will Fritter be different from Twitter?
TAC: With Twitter, you write something really stupid and then you send it to people. With Fritter you write something really stupid and you just leave it there. It doesn't go anywhere.

Q: How is that better?
TAC: When you use Twitter there is a chance -- a slight chance, we admit, but still a chance -- that something worthwhile might actually be communicated. By eliminating the "communication" factor, a Fritter message (we're thinking of calling it a Froot) is a message to no one. So it provides the social media enthusiast with the ultimate online experience -- the first fully complete waste of time.

Q: So, you write a brief message and you...
TAC: You just leave it there.

Q: You leave it there...
TAC: Bingo! You get it.

Q: Why do I do that?
TAC: Because everyone is doing it. Ashton Kutcher...Rahm Emanuel...Wolf Blitzer...

Q: So what happens to the message?
A: Nothing. It's lost forever. It's like a global diary that no one will ever read. It's like a time capsule that no one will ever open. It's like a dirty magazine that you leave under your bed and your mother never finds, but when you move out you suddenly remember it's still there and you have to go back to get it, and when you go back you discover that it's not there any more and your mother looks at you really funny, which never happened to me, but it happened to my friend.

Q: Will there be rules for using Fritter?
TAC: Yes, three rules:
  1. You must write your Froot in either English or Swedish.
  2. You may not mention Whoopi Goldberg.
  3. In keeping with internet protocol, every Froot must contain the word "fuck."
Here's what our site will look like.
Q: Do you plan to monetize Fritter?
Yes. Lots and lots of monetizingization. And we're going to buy a big company airplane and have a gourmet restaurant for our employees and have free massages (the good kind!) for everyone. And, oh yeah, we're going to contribute 1% of our profit to starving people or something.

Q: If I may say so, Fritter sounds like something for morons.
TAC: That's why we're so excited.

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