Everything You Need To Know About Millennials

Okay, I'm serious.

Everyone in the advertising and marketing industry listen to me. If I have to sit through one more presentation or read one more study about millennials I'm gonna send a guy out to kill each and every one of you. I mean this.

Every single bullshit marketing study about millennials ever conducted comes to the exact same conclusion, but is afraid to say it out loud: 

They are nasty little bed-wetters with no money.

Okay? Got it?

Someday their parents will die and they'll inherent some money and they'll be worth talking to. Until then, they'll be living eight-to-an-apartment, drinking Kale smoothies, uploading billions of narcissistic selfies, and pissing away their money on pink fucking headphones.

Before you waste your time and money trying to sell something useful to these jerk-offs, I suggest you call Mr. Obama and ask him how his health care plan is going.

Millennials are like humanity's QR code -- they're everywhere and they're useless.

The only important thing you have to know about them is that there's a double "l" and a double "n."

Got it?

I know your idiot boss is probably all over you about "what's our millennial strategy?" And you are probably stuck twice a week in Powerpoint hell listening to consultants or researchers or, god help us, planners running their gas pipes about these people.

But if I find you publishing studies or having conferences or, god help us, holding webinars, I'm sending a guy with a baseball bat.

Final warning.