October 09, 2013

10-Point List For Making 10-Point Lists

If you want to be a world famous blogger and make millions of dollars and have super-hot nymphos crawling all over you, you have to learn how to write a blog post that has a list of ten things.

Everyone wants to know ten things. Eleven things are too many and nine things are not enough.

Here are ten points you need to know about making a successful blog post with a 10-point list:
1. Always start with number one and work your way down (unless you're Casey Kasem, then you can do it the other way.)
2. Don't start with number 6 and then jump to number three. That's just stupid.  
3. Don't use fractions or irrational numbers. Square roots are confusing and cube roots can only be understood by those Indian guys who hang around coffee shops.
4. You need to pretend to impart information. The best way to do this is to assert that something is dead (hockey, reading, butter, physics ...doesn't really matter.)
5. Have one unexpected element -- something like a picture of Ben Bernanke picking his nose.
6. It's impossible to write a good number 6. Just put down anything and get on to number 7.
7. If you run out of ideas say something like, "remember, social media is about people." Who can argue with brilliant shit like that?  
8. Show that you're tough, irreverent, and controversial by calling another blogger a homo.
10. Get it done quickly so you can have yourself a cocktail.
So that's all there is to it. Start on a 10-point blog post and pretty soon you'll be Klouting through the moon and rubbing elbows and other naughty body parts with the big guys in that rarefied air of social media aristocracy.


Roger Maltbie Pitts said...

Blogging is dead!

Cecil B. DeMille said...

Headline: Social media lists top list of lists on social media!
Story: Some words in numerical order. Snackable content. Ooo. Ahh.
Result: 14,000,000,000 automated retweets, justifying the $20,000 we charged the client.

An excerpt from my never-to-be-released-on-Twitter-or-elsewhere book: How to Find a Sucker in 144 Characters or Less

Disco Stu said...

Buzz words can always be introduced when you run out knowledge on a topic (or have none). You basically move along this conversational festival taking data dumps to incentivize forward thinkers in the hopes they take a blue sky approach to your current synergised customer focused strategy of pretending you know shit.

matthewtarpy said...

Oh, Ben. I will miss your professorial mein.

Shanghai61 said...

My numbers were crap, so I took a data dump this morning.

Jon Pietz said...

You forgot the words 'How to' in your headline. This will cause 38% fewer zombies to read your blog post.