Today, I begin a new life as an irresponsible drain on the treasury of the United States.
It's a career I've always felt well-suited for. I'm afraid it's not going to last long because I'm already drawing up plans. But while it's here I'm going to enjoy it.
I am kicking off my new situation on a positive note. I know, it's not really my brand, but what the hell.
Having lived now for a couple of hundred years, I've developed some convictions about the subject. This seems like a good occasion to express them.
Why you should listen to an old ad guy's notions about life, I have no idea. Nonetheless, I've finally gotten my sorry ass out of the agency business and I'm feeling very chirpy and agreeable and there's always the dim possibility that this will all turn out pleasantly.
So here are The Ad Contrarian's 10 Rules For Happy Living.
1. Marry a cheerful person. There's no joy in waking up with a whiner.
2. Have a hobby. I don't care what it is -- yodeling, checkers, luge, whatever. Something you love that takes your mind off the horrors.
3. Secretly do nice things. You'll feel better.
4. Avoid pop culture. It's a cesspool that will make you anxious and stupid.
5. Ignore politics. The people you think are heroes are assholes. And nothing works anyway.
6. Stand up straight. You'll look better.Today is the first day of the rest of the week.
7. Question everything. Especially your own strongly held beliefs.
8. Work hard. Success is very pleasant.
9. Have kids. And pray for the best.
10. Don't be afraid to tell assholes you hate them. It helps everybody.