- Never go to any website that promises to calculate your cancer risk, retirement needs, or credit rating.
- Do not read your kid's Facebook page.
- Steer clear of out-of-work copywriters, political party volunteers, anyone whose job requires "funding," periodontists, and people named Bruce or Brian.
- Cancel all newspapers.
- Don't watch anything on tv that isn't brought to you, in part, by beer, fast food, or trucks.
- Never read any article that begins with these words: "A study published today in the scientific journal..."
- Watch "This Is Spinal Tap" once a week.
- Only order restaurant items that a nine-year-old would like.
- Only play golf with people worse than you.
- Avoid roofers, people with unusual food allergies, anyone whose job title includes the word "development," "sourcing" or "wellness", and people fond of saying "narrative."
- Get drunk at lunch at least once a month.
- Eat when you're hungry; sleep when you're tired; screw when you're horny.
- Send money to someone who needs it.
- Wear shorts whenever possible.
- Watch this:
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