Opening Day 2013

Today is Opening Day for the World Champion San Francisco Giants. Here is my traditional Opening Day post.

The economy is still in the toilet. Somewhere, asteroids are heading toward Earth. Web pornography is warping the minds of our children. Grown men and women are relentlessly Tweeting each other. Yes, my friend, the end is near.

But who gives a damn?

It's Opening Day. I'm going to have a hot dog and a beer. I'm going to sit in the sunshine till the back of my neck is red and raw and my ass stings like a shot of tequila on a bad patch of strep throat.

What the hell, I'm having two hot dogs.

Once a year, every aspect of life should have an Opening Day. Every business should have one. Every friendship should have one. Every family should have one.

A day when everything starts over. When all of last year's successes and failures go into the record book, no longer a matter of life and death, just a matter of history. A day when the slate is clean and the possibilities are unlimited. A day when you call in sick-and-tired; when you leave the iPhone in the glove compartment; when you go somewhere where the grass is perfect and the people are unaccountably cheerful.

It's Opening Day. Let's play some fucking ball.

The Data Delusion

Systems in extremis often delude themselves into believing they are something they are not.

Our educational system has convinced itself that it's not really in the education business. It's in the "self-discovery" business or the business of "celebrating diversity" or other such nonsense. The result is that it is very successful at not educating our kids.

Pepsi decided a few years ago that it was no longer in the business of selling soda. It was in the social responsibility business. The result was years of disastrous sales.

The advertising business is currently going through such a cycle. We are no longer about making advertising. In fact, making ads is looked down upon as a quaint, out-of-date notion.

Unfortunately, we can't quite decide what business we are in.

For a few years we were in the "branding" business. The "branding" business posited that consumers had deep connections to brands, and that sales results were in direct proportion to brand "meanings." The result was the marketing equivalent of empty suits -- mundane products with silly, high-minded philosophies and vacuous advertising.

Then we were in the "conversation" business. This meant that instead of making ads, our primary purpose was to generate "conversations" between buyers and sellers. The rationale behind this fantasy took the aforementioned belief that consumers care deeply about brands to a new level. Now they wanted to interact and have relationships with us.

Our newest delusion is that we're in the data business. "Big data" is the big thing. The theory behind this latest dead end is the hypothesis that the key to marketing success is precision targeting. In fact, precision targeting has thus far proven to be a dispiriting bust. The poster child for precision targeting is Facebook, which has more data and knows more about us than we know about ourselves.

And yet advertising on Facebook has been uniquely ineffective. An astounding experiment done several months ago showed that ads with no content and no targeting performed 60% better than "precision targeted" Facebook ads. Major brands have stayed away in droves.

So what is all this confusion and misdirection in the advertising business about?

The answer is quite simple. About 15 years ago our industry decided that traditional advertising had run its course. We had run out of steam and were searching for new ideas. The web was the perfect solution. It was a brand new medium in which anything was possible.

It represented everything we were searching for -- new technologies, new creative possibilities, and a youthful new "branding" opportunity for the tired old ad business.

There's only one little problem: it ain't workin' very well.

No one pays any attention to the ads. No one wants to have conversations with us or read our self-serving content. But we are ideologically committed to the web. It is still our precious baby -- regardless of the discouraging facts.

Our latest web pipe dream is data. But data is a solution looking for a problem. The fact is, we now have more data about consumers than we ever dreamed possible. We know where everyone is every minute of the day. We have no trouble reaching people efficiently. Our problem is not lack of information. If anything, we are overloaded with information.

Our problem is finding something interesting to say to people that will get their attention.

As John Hegarty, founder of Bartle Bogle Hegarty, said recently,

"I've spent my life dealing with people who've got all the data in the world and yet they can't invent anything."

We will continue to imagine new varieties of web magic until such time as our clients'  need for results catches up to our industry's ideological commitment to chasing rainbows. Big data is just the latest rainbow.

As usual, the ad industry is focused on everything but the problem.

10 Rules For Happy Living

Today, I begin a new life as an irresponsible drain on the treasury of the United States.

It's a career I've always felt well-suited for. I'm afraid it's not going to last long because I'm already drawing up plans. But while it's here I'm going to enjoy it.

I am kicking off my new situation on a positive note. I know, it's not really my brand, but what the hell.

Having lived now for a couple of hundred years, I've developed some convictions about the subject. This seems like a good occasion to express them.

Why you should listen to an old ad guy's notions about life, I have no idea. Nonetheless, I've finally gotten my sorry ass out of the agency business and I'm feeling very chirpy and agreeable and there's always the dim possibility that this will all turn out pleasantly.

So here are The Ad Contrarian's 10 Rules For Happy Living.

1. Marry a cheerful person. There's no joy in waking up with a whiner.

2. Have a hobby. I don't care what it is -- yodeling, checkers, luge, whatever. Something you love that takes your mind off the horrors.

3. Secretly do nice things. You'll feel better.

4. Avoid pop culture. It's a cesspool that will make you anxious and stupid.

5. Ignore politics. The people you think are heroes are assholes. And nothing works anyway.

6. Stand up straight. You'll look better.

7. Question everything. Especially your own strongly held beliefs.

8. Work hard. Success is very pleasant.

9. Have kids. And pray for the best.

10. Don't be afraid to tell assholes you hate them. It helps everybody.

Today is the first day of the rest of the week.