June 30, 2010

Crazy Blogger Uncovers Evil Sexist Plot

The web advertising bubble is out of control, right?

Anyone who looks at the facts about web advertising has to conclude that while there are some people who know what they're doing, most web advertisers might as well stand on the roof and make paper airplanes out of thousand dollar bills.

So the other night I had a thought.

What if this whole web advertising thing is a big, fat sexist conspiracy? Step into my laboratory...

Fact #1: The vast majority of promoters of "new age" marketing are men. Most of the chatter about how "digital changes everything" and the death of the "interruption model" and the claptrap about "the conversation" and "brand relationships" has been promulgated by male marketing gurus with way too much podium time at advertising conferences.

Fact #2: Men don't hardly buy nothin'. 85% of consumer purchases are made by women.

Fact #3: The things that men buy are all stupid gadgets -- sound systems and computers and fishing rods and guitars -- exactly the kind of crap you'd go on line to get info about.

Fact #4: Women buy all the important stuff -- the not-sexy, essential stuff that keeps the world going: socks and pickles and half-and-half and mayonnaise and cookies and toothbrushes and umbrellas and napkins and horseradish and dental floss and coffee filters and pillows and nail clippers and furniture polish and frozen chicken strips and lamps and potting soil and cat food and sun block and light bulbs and pillow cases and vacuum cleaner bags and shower curtains. All the stuff you'd never go on line to get info about unless you're seriously demented.

Fact #5: Men think that all this vital stuff just appears in the house while they're out having beers with their jerk-off pals. These lazy-ass bastards also have plenty of time to sit on their fat asses and have "online conversations" about what brand of golf balls to buy. So they think women are doing the same thing.

Fact #6: Meanwhile, what women are doing on line is having conversations about dumping the old fat bastard and finding a delicious young towel boy. They are decidedly not having conversations about brands of mushroom soup.

So there you have it. The web advertising bubble is simply the result of a conspiracy by a small group of ruthless marketing guys to get themselves out of the house and off to Las Vegas where they can be paid 10K to shoot their mouths off about "Your Personal Brand in the New Era of Digitally Integrated Social Media Content And Engagement and, oh yeah I almost forgot, Conversations."

Am I crazy?

Wait, don't answer that.

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