January 26, 2015
McDonald's Jargon-Fest
In this wonderful video, McDonald's new cmo throws every dreadful cliche in the marketing jargon handbook at their problems and comes away with nothing.
If you're a fan of journeys and sharing and relationships and conversations and open dialogues you're going to love this.
Being the thoughtful and generous person I am, I would like to offer McDonald's new cmo an alternative view of the universe. And a few ideas about how to turn their tanking business around.
Dear Deborah,
You seem like a nice and smart person. However, I think you may be on the wrong track here. I worked on the McDonald's business for over 15 years and I have a scrapbook full of claptrap about relationships and customer engagement and dialogues and brand transformations that went nowhere.
It is my view that a little less highfalutin' philosophy and a little more practical application of sound business practices would do you a lot of good. To wit:
1. Clean up the fucking stores.
2. Serve the burgers off the grill instead of those plastic drawers.
3. Teach the crew how to smile.
When you're done with that, then you can do all the journeying and dialoguing you want.
No charge.
Your pal,
Bob
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28 comments:
I don't think the CEO of MCD's will be too happy about this video. I mean, there were only three logos visible at all times. I'm sure we can up that to 5.
That's a perfect screenshot for it....the marketing jargon spewing face.
I go to McDonalds about once every 6-8 weeks. I want a Big Mac that doesn't look like it was made 20 minutes ago and then sat on by an elephant. I want fresh, hot fries not ones that have been sitting under a heat lamp.
Guarantee me those two things and I am happy. Like you said Bob, burgers from the grill not the drawer. Add to that a fresh fry policy and you're good to go.
You're right Bob -1,2,3 In fact you couldn't be more right.
Oh and 4. Stop locking the toilet doors all the time.
How did you do all that consulting Bob without being a neuroscientist?
Check Mister KFC here as he turns to neuroscience to help his dwindling coffers. Yet he sees like a nice guy like she did.
http://www.marketingmagazine.co.uk/article/1327984/kfc-50-marketing-chief-neuroscience-brand-reappraisal-tough-year
Did he need neuroscience to work out what needed to be done?
To me, it's just another indication of how completely divorced most CMOs are from the M in their titles, and also how very different marketing and advertising actually are.
Billion served, billion turd? What?
Three words.
In. And. Out.
Plus...this was the edited script. How many times did 'journey' appear in the original...
4. Make and serve better food, that actually tastes of something.
5. Stop trying to pretend that burgers, fries and milkshakes come with a healthy option. They don't.
I used to work in a pizza restaurant when I was in college. People used to order an extra large deep pan feast with all the toppings, and a diet coke. To be healthy. Fast forward to processed fruit bags in happy meals.
Parents who care about their kids' diets don't take them to McDonalds in the first place. It's not about the fruit, it's about the rest of it.
6. Make your 'restaurants' smell better. Seriously.
7. Make your staff smell better. Super seriously.
8. Be honest about your position in the food world. We all know what you are, you're just living in denial.
I had a hard time listening to her. I was riveted by the guy in the background taking a sip of his soda every 17 seconds and putting his cup down in exactly the same place.
I'm surprised they didn't bring in the Pepsi Refresh crew.
I'm sorry; the first time I tried to watch, I heard the phrase "hockey mom," went into violent flashbacks from the 2008 presidential election, and didn't hear another word she said. So I watched the full video again, and involuntarily started uttering "I'll have a Big Mac with extra bullshit on the side, please." Thank you, Deborah: you've given me another reason to avoid eating at McDonald's.
Bob channels Ray:
QSC & V
Quality - Serve the burgers from the grill
Service - Teach the crew how to smile
Cleanliness - Enough said
& Value
Also enjoy seeing Eddie The Echo once and a while too.
Sounds like a typical marketing airhead. How's this for a philosophy--make good, fresh food again. Stop listening and start preparing quality food. Need hints? Stop by Five Guys. Burgers, fries drinks and pretty much that's it. And it tastes good. No social media nonsense that I'm aware of and I'll be they don't even have a CMO. And if the do, unlike McDonald's, theirs probably isn't spewing gibberish.
They're serving people? And fresh fruit? On platforms?
Where do I find this stuff on the menu?
Empty calories.
Oh, yeah. Clean 'em up. Turn on the grill. Serve actual beef. And teach the smiling thing. McDonald's has tried some pretty stupid things lately, but the underlying grunge still comes through. They're smoothing over the arches, putting new faces on buildings, and in some locations a totally phony announcer voice is the first one you hear in the drive-through, then the student help comes on to actually take your order. Weird. They are poised for a big fall.
#9. Run DNA tests to confirm prospective employees are really human.
"Powerful ideas change how we think, feel, act - and what we do"
Am I missing some subtle distinction between 'action' and 'what we do'?
I have to admit that I stopped watching the video when she said this, because it totally sidetracked me. So I may have missed the scintillating exposition of a compelling new strategic approach for the brand that followed.
But somehow I doubt it ...
The worst part of all this is that if you do not use the jargon and are not a Holly Roller for all the things she espouses and are in any way connected to Communication, you are considered out of it.
Additionally, did anyone else's bullshit alarm start blaring with the extreme close-up and utterance of the words "Brand Transformation?"
...and never taking his hand off the cup. And...that "i'm lovin' it" fake poster hanging on the window above him to reinforce the brand message. Riiiiight. Will McD's have a glass vase with fresh flowers on every table too?
Maybe they can at least start with having somebody wipe the table down with a filthy rag once every, oh, month or so.
Can I add....actually give us what we order (i.e., a breakfast item that's what it is supposed to be)...and add staff to your franchises. I go in a MD maybe once a month, and each time, customers are standing around growling about the fact there is one register working. Not a very happy meal!! oh wait, maybe that's what "brand transformation" is.......
I actually noticed their latest round of ads was mostly food-porn shots and dumb-ass platitudes. Now i know why.
I swear I heard a toilet flush half way through this.
Amazing how in just ten short years of idiot CMOs completely mismanaging branding, store redesigns (What? that isn't a Starbucks?), and lousy, lousy menu experiments, Mcd's has done more damage to themselves than London Greenpeace (remember McLibel?) could have ever hoped to accomplish.
Frankly, I'm more than a little surprised that MacDonald's still exists. Terrible food. I guess cheap and ubiquitous trump quality.
Oh, and for those of you touting In-N-Out and Five Guys, try The Habit. Much better.
Micky D's CEO can't be too happy period: http://www.reuters.com/article/2015/01/29/us-mcdonalds-ceo-idUSKBN0L12PS20150129
Kicked to the curb.
Bob's timing is impeccable!
How about paying your employees a living wage? Half the issues with McD's could be solved that way, me thinks.
McD employees are so engaged with me as a customer that they ask me if I want sugar and creamer with my coffee. I said clearly that I only wanted suger, got 3 x creamer anyway!
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