Good News For Gals
In case of emergency, just take your bra off!
This week a great new product was introduced called the Emergency Bra. It's a bra that turns into a gas mask.
That's right, you can't make this shit up.
"You have to be prepared all the time, at any place, at any moment, and practically every woman wears a bra," said the inventor of the patented device.
The Emergency Bra website says, "The goal of any emergency respiratory device is to achieve tight fixation and full coverage (and who doesn't like tight fixation and full coverage? --TAC). Luckily, the wonderful design of the bra is already in the shape of a face mask and so with the addition of a few design features, the Emergency Bra enhances the efficiency of minimizing contaminated bypass air flow."
Okay, but I don't care what they say, I am not going to wear an Emergency Jock.
Good News For Murderers
The San Francisco Chronicle reports that San Quentin has unveiled their beautiful new "lethal injection center" this week. "Lethal injection center" is my new all-time favorite euphemism. It sounds so much pleasanter than "chamber of death."
According to the Chronicle...
"The spacious $853,000 center has three brightly lit witness viewing rooms, and each gives a considerably better view than the cramped gas chamber's lone, poorly illuminated viewing room."Didn't you just hate that cramped old viewing room? If there's one thing I can't stand, it's getting all prettied up for an execution and then being stuffed like a pimiento into a dingy old viewing room. It can take all the fun out of the darn thing.
This is going to be so much better. Now all I need is a large popcorn and some Raisinettes.
Good News For America
The recession is officially over! That's the word out of Washington from the National Bureau of Economic Research. Not only is it over, it's been over for 15 months! I must have been napping.
Meanwhile, Warren Buffett said that by his own "common sense" definition, the United States is "still in a recession."
Common sense? In Washington? Warren, wake up, dude.
The Most Unnecessary Words In The English Language
"Please ignore previous email"