June 24, 2010

How To Be Fabulously Successful

People often say to me, "Ad Contrarian, how can I be a fabulously successful online copywriter like you?"

Well, I'm here to tell you that you, too, can be famous and make millions of dollars and have super-hot nymphos crawling all over you.

What's the secret to online copywriting success? First, you need some words. Words are the building blocks of writing! Without words, writing is a thankless chore. Take the Sumerians. They didn't have words. All they had were pictures. Now they're dead.

The best part? They're all free! Any word you want. Even "penultimate."

When we write online copy, the words we use say a lot about us. If we are depressed, we want to use depressing words like "advertising" or "exercise."

If we are funny, then we want to use funny words, like "homo" or "Kotex."

The important thing is to be yourself when you are writing. You have to know who you really are. If you don’t know who you are, you have to find yourself. The best place to find yourself is in bed. Hopefully, with someone cute.

The Key To Being Creative: Creativity
In order to be a successful online copywriter you have to be creative. The most important part of being creative is "creativity". Without "creativity" most of us wouldn’t have a creative bone in our body. Except maybe our fibula.

Nobody really knows what "creativity" is. Every year thousands of people take a pilgrimage to find out. This involves flying to Cannes, snorting cocaine, and having sex with smokers.

How do you nourish your creativity? I suggest chicken caesar wraps. But I know a very successful creative director who swears by strawberry Toaster Strudel.

The important thing to remember is that we’re all creative. Although, honestly, I have my doubts about Leon Panetta.

The F Word: It’s Effing Awesome!
On the internet, content is king. And dirty words is queen.

If you are writing a blog, you must be hard-boiled and never show weakness. You must not let on that you are from Valley Stream and went to Hofstra and worked at Grey. You must show the world that you’re an anarchistic, hard-living, hard-drinking bastard. And what better way to be a bad-ass muthafucka than to use naughty language.

Words like "fuck,” “bullshit,” and “douchebag” make your copy sing! Put a few of them together and you’ve got magic -- “Fuckingdouchebag!,” “Fuckingbullshit!,” “Fuckingfuck!” (By the way, it is impossible to punctuate that last sentence properly, even for an experienced online copywriter.)

The ability to express complex concepts in a censorship-free environment is what makes the web great. Well, that and those nutty cats on YouTube.

Understanding Your Online Customer
Let’s face it. Most of the people who visit your website are fuckingdouchebags.

I mean...um... they are Web 2.0 savvy consumers whose engagement with their own personal brands make them willing to join the conversation in an interactive way that leverages social media to become engaged customers for life. You know, that kind of thing.

Well, whatever the hell they are, they got money and we want it!

Remember, engaging content is how you engage their engagement.

The Three Simple, Double-Secret Magical Copywriting Rules for Success
Now we get to the heart of the matter. Anyone can be a successful online copywriter if you just follow these three simple, double-secret, magical rules:
1. Don’t use Windex on your computer screen. It fucks up the molecules or something.
2. Don’t hold back. People love to know personal details about your life. Unless you have a hernia or some kind of smelly intestinal disorder.
3. Amateur MILF in wild inter-racial 3-way... Oops, sorry, wrong blog.

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