The Dumbest People On Earth?

Just when you think the online advertising industry can't get any more absurd, they prove once again how groundbreakingly awesome they are.

The current buffoonery is over "viewability."

You see, twenty years into online advertising, advertisers are finally getting their heads out of their behinds and realizing that about half the ads they have been paying for are not viewable.

We're not talking here about the 99.9% of online ads that are ignored because they are so fucking ugly and stupid. We're talking about 50% of all ads that are supposed to appear on a page but don't.

Even if someone was dumb enough to want to look at these things they can't because they ain't there.

Of course, the online publishing industry is shocked... shocked I tell you!

You wanted your ads to be VIEWABLE? Oh, why didn't you say so? We thought you just wanted to pay us for...well, for being like so hip and cutting edge and totally techno and having like metrics and data and shit.

So now the morons who have been buying this crap for 20 years are playing hardball with the publishers. They are insisting that their ads be viewable. Next these bedwetters will be going to restaurants insisting that their meals be edible. Whiners.

But here's the best part.

The Media Ratings Council (whoever the hell they are) has an official standard for "viewability." If half the pixels of an ad are viewable for one continuous second, the ad is deemed to be "Officially Viewable."

I love the "one continuous second" thing. Because, you know, if half the pixels are viewable for, like, two halves of a second, that shit just ain't gonna work. But one continuous second, well, that's advertising gold!

Here's what an agency research genius has to say about this:

"...calling for more than one second in-view would be difficult to execute, potentially pushing the pendulum too far..."

Oh no, we wouldn't want to push that pendulum past one second. Someone might actually notice the fucking thing.

Amazingly, this quote appears in an article entitled "The Viewability Debate: Being Seen Is Good, but One Second Isn't Enough" -- written by the same person who is afraid to push the pendulum past one second. Someone is very confused.

Well, whatever the agency and research dimwits have to say, the bottom line is this -- you have to give the online advertising sales industry credit. It takes an astounding degree of artistry and talent to grow at double digit rates when you're selling something that is:

• About 50% invisible
• About 60% infested with non-humans
• Virtually ignored by consumers
• And largely impossible to track

Either the people selling this stuff are the smartest people on earth, or the people buying it are the dumbest.

The 7th Anniversary Edition

Stretching 10 Days Worth Of Content Into 7 Years
This week marks the 7th anniversary of this blog. I never thought it would last this long. As a matter of fact, after about 10 days I had said just about everything I wanted to say.

But it is a testament to the never-ending silliness of the ad industry that after 7 years I still haven't run out of things to make fun of.

Remarkably, the blog is more popular than ever, and I'm enjoying writing it more than ever.

Since this is an anniversary, and since I'm going to take a little time off (more about that below) I am going to take the liberty of rambling a little today.

One Regret
I do have one regret about this blog. There are times when I embarrass people. I don't like doing that.

When I'm taking shots at articles I've read or things I've seen or heard, I try never to mention the names of the people responsible (except the the high and mighty.)  However, because I provide links, there is no secret whom I'm talking about.

I feel lousy when people lambaste my articles and I'm sure the people I rail against feel similarly. Unfortunately when you're writing commentary there is no power without specificity, and so I need to be specific in what I write.

I'm sure I've hurt some feelings and I want the people who have been the target of my sometimes immoderate pronouncements to know there is nothing personal in any of it.

Common Sense Confronts Greed And Ego
About a year ago, when I retired from the agency business, I wrote...

It's supposed to be a bittersweet occasion. But it's not. It's easy. The art  of advertising is still interesting, but the agency business has lost its appeal.

My commitment to sloth and revelry retirement from the agency business was challenged recently when a very attractive offer came my way.

The ceo of a wonderful agency asked me to be chairman of their NY office. I wouldn't  have to move from San Francisco and I would get some ownership in the company.

I was flattered. Then I was flummoxed.

The agency in question has been very successful and I love New York (note to self: that might make a good campaign idea!) and it would allow me the opportunity to spend more time there.

And then reality reared its ugly head. I escaped from the agency business with my life. I just couldn't see myself turning myself back in.

It's obvious from all the writing and speaking I do about advertising that the subject still interests me. But the agency business doesn't.

It's become too difficult and too unnecessarily complicated for a simple mind like mine.

I was having dinner with a friend a few weeks ago and he is in a similar position. He had a successful career in the sports world and is now doing consulting. Because of his expertise he gets a lot of gigs doing "expert commentary" on TV and in newspapers.

We agreed that one of the wonderful things about our current situation is that for the first time in our careers we can say exactly what we believe and not have to sugar coat it or give a damn about pissing anyone off.

It's fun.

Taking A Break
I've developed one of those annoying repetitive stress things in my wrist and apparently the only way to get rid of it is to stay away from the keyboard for a while. So I'll be off the grid and traveling for a couple of weeks.

While I'm gone, please don't let the silliness die.

The Obnoxious Belief In The Irrepressible Spirit

I'm getting real tired of reading opinion pieces and watching videos of rich, famous people telling us to do what we love. 

I'm sick of their smug assumption that their one-in-a-million success was the result of their irrepressible spirit. And that if we all just had the character and determination to follow our passions like they did, we'd be fabulous, too.

Most success is contingent. Either you're born into the lucky sperm club, or you get a break somewhere or, as in my case, one chance encounter changes your life.

But this bullshit that there is a place for all of us in the pantheon of success if we just believe in ourselves and don't compromise and pursue our passion gives me a real pain in the ass.

It's easy to say that in hindsight, when you're sitting on millions, and everybody knows your name.

It's a little different when you're a checker at Walmart and you have kids to support. Yeah, just quit that stupid job and pursue your singing career. You want to be a football player? Sure, no problem. Just believe in yourself.

You know what I'd like. I'd like to hear from all the talented, hard-working people who followed their passions and failed. I want to hear from the directors who are changing tires. And the writers who are cutting hair. Let's find out how they feel.

For every self-satisfied loudmouth selling this bullshit there are a thousand people just as capable and just as dedicated who failed.

As far as I'm concerned, all this amounts to is self-satisfied big shots patting themselves on the back and lecturing us on our lack of initiative.

You want to devote your life to doing what you love? Me too. Unfortunately I haven't found anybody willing to pay me to drink beer and do crosswords.