Top 10 New Year's Resolutions

My New Year's resolutions for 2008:

1. I will vote for the first presidential candidate who can complete a sentence without mentioning god.

2. I will strike dead anyone in my employ using any of the following words: engagement, branding, aspirational, counterintuitive, webinar, or quirky.

3. I will stop sending those pictures to Katie Couric.

4. I will buy a new Samsung TV because it is the official HDTV of the National Football League (who knew?)

5. I will have an open mind toward new ideas, new people, and new ways of doing things. (Pause. Laughter.)

6. I will rotate my tires and floss my teeth. Or the other way around.

7. I will ask my doctor whether Lunesta is right for me.

8. I will exercise less and eat more unhealthy foods (it's nice to have one resolution you know you'll keep.)

9. I will write a book called "Death By Branding."

10. I will not inject performance enhancing substances into Roger Clemens's ass.


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