June 20, 2016

Gang Of Six Have A Meeting

NEW YORK -- The six major advertising agency holding companies (known to marketers as the "Gang Of Six") held their first annual summer retreat this week in New York City.

The 2-day event, known as The Worldwide Racketeering Summit, was themed "Kickin' Back" and focused on the future of dodging responsibility and circumventing client contracts.

Chairman of the event Simon Ian-Derrick introduced a new logo for the organization which he said, "communicates our ongoing commitment to world peace or diversity or something."

Keynote Speaker, Derrick Ian-Simon, Chief Obfuscation Officer of WPeePee, got the proceedings off to a rollicking start with this introduction:
"Question: How is a rooster different from an agency holding company?
Answer: A rooster clucks defiance."
On the afternoon of Day One, Ian Simon-Derrick, Head of Worldwide Globularity for Omnivore, gave a talk entitled "Fuck 'Em" in which he reinforced the organization's belief that clients are "too fucking stupid to take their dicks out of a blender."

He encouraged members to stick by their guns when it comes to lying about kickbacks and other squalid money-scraping activities, "Our shareholders expect us to lie for them. It is a responsibility we must never take lightly."

Day Two featured a panel discussion lead by Halfass Chief Financial Launderer Jean-Pierre Vinordinaire on the subject of "Disruption And Re-invention And Some Of That Other Bullshit."

The panelists agreed that "new ways to screw advertisers will be important in the future as we evolve technologies to complicate the living shit out of everything."

Vinordinaire concluded the panel discussion by saying, "Just between us girls, what are these fuckwits gonna do? Take their media buying to Joey's Media Store in Buffalo? We got 'em by the profiteroles and they know it."

The evening's festivities ended with the attendees standing and singing "I'd Like To Buy The World A Coke" while ten global CMOs took the stage to be roughly sodomized by a blue-ribbon delegation of agency content strategists.

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