August 18, 2014

The Unrelenting Assault Of Marketing Bullshit

Now that I am on the speaking circuit, one thing has become very apparent to me. The  appetite for marketing bullshit is inexhaustible.

Of all the new age marketing doubletalkers, one guy is my favorite. I'm not going to name names because I don't like to do that.

But this guy was there at the beginning of the fabulously disastrous Pepsi Refresh Project -- going from conference to conference telling all the drooling dimwits how fabulously successful this fiasco was.

Three years ago I quoted him in this space:
" much are we encouraging the continual learning from inside our staff about how to leverage these technologies with inside of their communications and engagement plans but as well as just for their own personal communications and internal communication with inside each other..."
I'm still trying to figure out what language that was.

Then he went over to Mondelez (that's what Nabisco is now called) where he is Worldwide Global Engagement Bullshit Meister, or something. A couple of years ago, Stephen Colbert did a hilarious take down of a preposterous Mondelez/Nabisco Wheat Thins product brief. You can see it here.

Our guy pitifully tried to make a positive out of being ridiculed on national TV by claiming, “You could not ask for something better even if you wrote it yourself.” Yeah, right.

Well, the good news is that he's still imparting his wisdom to the cretins who go to these hopeless marketing whack-a-thons.

The guy is truly amazing. Here he is being interviewed recently at another bullshitfest by some doofus with a British accent.

It is impressive to watch someone who has totally mastered the most important skill for a contemporary business "thought leader" -- the ability to use jargon and buzzwords to make it sound as if you're saying something while saying absolutely nothing.

Thanks again to Prof. Byron Sharp.


Dan Plant said...

According to this video, Mondelez are claiming that the Colbert piece was all intentional

Unfortunately I'm in the UK so can't see the takedown itself. Is it possible that this is true?

Cecil B. DeMille said...

I'm invoicing you for the brain cells that just perished from me watching those links. I *needed* those, Bob. They were among the few that still worked. Now they sit around pretending to do dynamic and evolutionary work in their own idiom. Meaning they do jack and shit.

Icameallover said...

I came. Having met this guy before I can confirm he's devoid of pleasant conversation even when drunk.

tkrockerz said...

And no one, other than Bob, has summed it up better than Weird Al:

Click on the picture - not sure about the rest of the link.


Mark Hill said...

I made it to 3 minutes 10.

Stephen Eichenbaum said...

This guy needs to be told; "we're laughing AT you. not with you."

uglymugagency said...

Will Rogers once said, "There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves." I fear that many of these marketing jargonauts may have peed on the fence so long they've numbed their balls and their brains.

Jonathan Rodgers said...

2:20 for me on the doofus.

The complete absence of coherent thought vs. the brilliance of Colbert. I'm glad I watched the Colbert piece first. Otherwise, I would have lanced my brain with a knitting needle.

Jonathan Rodgers said...

Oh my God, thanks for the link. The stupidest brief in the history of advertising (actually, I'm pretty sure just the stupidest brief that particular day in our business) was completely, and justifiably skewered for 7 minutes, and Starcom (the media agency that handles Mondelez/ Wheat Thins) makes a two minute delusional crapfest of a film that serves as their entry to the CANNES ADVERTISING FESTIVAL.

Everyone should really should watch this, but if not, here's a summary of Starcom's pitch for Gold: "According to Colbert, our client is a complete moron. But because we had the idea to to place our complete moron of a client on Colbert's show, and he happened to undress their sheer stupidity for seven whole minutes...we're geniuses!!"

sallan3 said...

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kumar said...


Tom Innis said...

Fast Company joined in the fun of lambasting Wheat Thins for another marketing shitstorm: