January 17, 2011

The Legend of Marketing Man

Basically, there are two types of men -- Feckless Weasels and Smelly Hairballs.

Your classic Feckless Weasel lives in Berkeley, drives a Subaru Outback, spends 80% of his time trying to please his shrill harridan of a wife, and wastes the other 20% of his life "reasoning" with his horrid children ("Now, Joshie, you remember we said that in a restaurant you shouldn't put your feet in other peoples' food...")

The Smelly Hairball has old banana peels in his golf bag, is at least three months behind in his alimony, has an expired driver's license and is quite fond of the phrase "I said, shut the fuck up!"

In the rich pageant of manhood there is, sadly, very little fertile ground between the Feckless Weasel and the Smelly Hairball.

There is, however, one exception -- Marketing Man.

Marketing Man is an imaginary character (or as we like to call him, a "target audience") who exists mainly in ad agency briefing documents and marketing department Powerpoint presentations.

Marketing Man is handsome and well-groomed. He is thoughtful and considerate. He is a close shaver. He coaches soccer and is concerned with his wife's feelings. He is helpful in the kitchen and undemanding in the bedroom. He keeps his closet neat and his weenie in his pants. In other words, he's a total fucking dork.

Well, Marketing Man now has an online place all to himself where he can gather with other Marketing Men and have conversations about...oh, I don't know...sauces?

It's a super-slick website called Man Of The House, sponsored by P&G. It's billed as "a man's guide to grooming, gadgets, fitness, relationships, clothes, parenting, careers & home repair." That's right, everything that makes contemporary life such a total pile of shit. (Couldn't they put in just a little about strippers, booze, weed and golf?  Just a little?)

Here are some of the things you can learn this week at Man Of The House:
  • Tips for Surviving a Weekend at Disney 
  • What Does Your Wife Want From You?
  • 4 Reasons Not To Tuck Your Shirt In
  • How to Clean a Toilet in 30 Seconds Flat 
and great tips on having a
  • Family Pizza Party
Hemingway is spinning.

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