December 21, 2011

The Ten Amendments

Since Christmas and Hannukah are this week, I am publishing this guest post I received recently from a Very Important Being.

I am starting to get annoyed with you people. The universe is a large territory to cover and I’ve got a lot on my plate. I take my eye off you for a couple of thousand years and what do I find when I get back? You’re putting rings through your eyebrows and pineapple on your pizza.  What the hell is wrong with you?

I have been reading the books that I’m supposed to have dictated. Are you kidding me? I asked some guy to knife his baby? I let my son get hung up with nails? What would I do that for? (Okay, maybe if he was Donald Trump or something.)

Let’s get this straight. I didn’t write any of those books that I’m supposed to have written, okay? That stuff you're always killing each other over was written by people who thought I talked to them— in other words, crazy people.

I don’t have any favorite people or favorite countries or favorite religions or favorite anything. To be honest, you're all mostly just a pain in my ass and I don’t really care that much for any of you. Although sometimes I root for the Steelers.

Can I explain something else? I didn’t invent you. You’re here because all those little amoeba and bacteria I made needed a way to move around faster. Some of them evolved into you. Now you carry billions of them around with you everywhere you go. Mostly, you’re just rapid transit for bugs. So get over yourselves.

The more I watch you, the more I believe you’re completely crazy and unreliable. Consequently, I have written this essay in the hope that you’ll stop acting like morons.

I know you have your “Ten Commandments” so I’m going to call this The Ten Amendments. You can consider these amendments to the commandments. I think it’s kinda cute. Agree?

Okay, so here are The Ten Amendments. Pay attention please:

Amendment #1: Be Nice.
Now how difficult is that? Quit yelling at each other and shooting each other and writing nasty anonymous comments on blogs. Would it kill you to smile a little?

Amendment #2: Stop Whining.

You call it praying. I call it whining. Isn’t it obvious by now that I don’t pay attention to any of that stuff?

Amendment #3: Keep Your Stupid Opinions To Yourself.
With all due respect, you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about, so button it. Shooting your mouth off just annoys everyone.

Amendment #4: Eat Your Salad Before The Meal

What’s with this salad-after-the-main-course thing? What are you, French or something?

Amendment #5: Do more screwing

It’s a nice, inexpensive way to have a good time. And you’ll sleep better. Just one thing – close the windows so you don’t alarm the neighbors’ children.

Amendment #6: Don’t Change Lanes So Much
You drive like idiots. Stay in your damn lane.

Amendment #7: Quit Watching So Much Crap

"Kim's Fairytale Wedding?" Are you crazy?

Amendment #8: Take Those Bluetooth Things Out Of Your Ears
Do you really want to look like the biggest jerk at the airport?

Amendment #9: I Don’t Think It’s So Terrible To Put Parmesan Cheese On Seafood Pasta.
I know some people make a big fuss over this, but I wouldn’t worry about it.

Amendment #10: Clean Out Your Closet

You’ll feel better. Trust me.

So that’s all you have to do. I’ve got bigger things to worry about than what you eat, and what songs you sing, and whether you kneel down or light candles or wear a hat. I’ll leave that up to you. Also, don’t  pay any attention to those people who say they represent me -- I don’t need agents.

One last thing. Try to be helpful, okay?

Your friend,

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