My last post was called "I Ain't Apologizin' For Nothin.'" Just to prove that this is a fair and balanced blog, today I'm going to apologize to everyone for everything.
In this day and age, it's more important than ever to be proactive. So I want to take this opportunity to apologize, in advance, to everyone for everything.
I now understand that as a Blogger, I have unique responsibilities. Although I haven't done anything, I know the things I haven't done were wrong. I take full responsibility for my actions.
There are rumors swirling around and I want to dispel them. None of the things I haven't done were anyone's fault but my own -- not Sandra Bullock, or the Pope, or Rahm Emanuel. Just me.
Next, I want to apologize to my family. I realize that my actions could have hurt and embarrassed you even more than my dancing, and I want you to know that there is nothing more important to me than you guys -- not even my awesome new media room, or my career, or my money, or my wine cellar, or my reality show which I am developing for E!, or those twins in Vegas with the amazing...but I digress.
Oh, and did I mention my awesome new media room?
I also want to apologize to my fans. You have made me very wealthy and famous and, honestly, pretty damn exciting to follow on Twitter. I hope I haven't lost your respect or admiration. I hope you will look into your heart and see that I am just a man -- granted, a very hot man, but a man nonetheless -- and will forgive me this one transgression (I mean, it's just one if you consider categories of transgressions, which I think is the only fair way.)
As for my sponsors, I'm sorry I wasn't able to live up to the high standards which you have come to expect from me. On the other hand, I did a little math the other night and it turns out that this blog has netted me about $200 mil of your money which I have parked in a sweet little project in the Caymans. By the way, I want John S. to know that even though your "corporation" has dumped me, I will not be saying a word about "midget wrestling," if you get my drift. Not this year, anyway.
Soon I will be entering rehab. Fortunately, I took the advanced placement exam and tested out of the first 5 steps. So with only 7 steps to go, I'm thinking this rehab thing should be pretty much a snap.
Finally, I want to say something to all the men out there. I know that you guys get together and you chuckle and snicker and think how cool it must be to have an ad blog and be like me -- how cool it must be to have more money than you can imagine and any woman you want. Well, let me tell you something...
Dude, you have no fucking idea...