The Hypocrisy Machine

All the hand-wringing and hyperventilating about Tiger Woods gives me a big pain in the ass.

The truth is, the media is one big hypocrisy machine. They pretend they're shocked by this. But they know that every male movie star, athlete, politician, singer, tv star and media big shot who can, does.

The difference between Tiger Woods and your personal celebrity hero? Woods got caught.

Here are a few tips about listening to media nonsense on the subject of celebrity sexual misbehavior:

• If you have the feeling that all celebrities are screwing their pants off and you're missing out on something, you're dead right. 

• All male media commentators (yes, 100% of them) are full of shit when they get all huffy about celebrity sexual shenanigans. They know all about this stuff, they do it themselves, and they only become outraged when it goes public.

• Never listen to anything any female writer or commentator has to say about male sexuality. They don't have a hint of an inkling of a clue.

Like we said last week, give most men unlimited access to bimbos and they'll get in trouble every time. Maybe not as prolifically as Tiger, but just as sneakily

As my high school gym teacher used to say, "98% of all teenage boys masturbate. And 2% lie."