Bummer For Marketers: We Gotta Do Something.

Here's some big news.

According to an article in Ad Age last week called Why Measurement Alone Will Not Lead To Better Marketing, stuff doesn't automatically get better because we measure it. Apparently, to make it better, we have to do something.

What a bummer.

I guess this means that taking your temperature doesn't make your sore throat go away. And a longer tape measure will not make you taller. And an IQ test doesn't make you smarter.

Damn, nothing's easy anymore.

I can't believe these guys expect us to do something? We can't just drool all over the metrics? We can't just collect data and make spread sheets and print up reports?

We have to think? And have ideas? And, please God no, employ creative people?

In order to reach their brilliant conclusion, the authors interviewed 400 CEOs, CFOs and CMOs. This is not a joke.

I think many of us could have figured this out after interviewing 4 puppy dogs and a cheese grater.

Frankly, I don't see this study sitting at all well with marketers. If there's one thing we marketers hate to do, it's to do something.

But there's a silver lining.

As we learned on Tuesday in In The Year 2015 we only have to do stuff until all the data geniuses take over in 5 years.

Then I guess measurement alone will lead to better marketing. But maybe we ought to interview some more CEOs, just to be sure.

In The Year 2015

If you're looking for a good reason to stick a knife in your head, I highly recommend an article in this week's Ad Age about the future of the agency business.

In a piece called What Will Agencies Look Like in 2015 we learn that, once again, everything is going to change! Imagine that. (Apparently, trade pubs stay in business by validating hysterical readers' fears that everything is always changing. On the other hand, as I'm sure you've noticed, here at The Ad Contrarian nothing ever changes.)

Some examples of the big changes to come: Today's moronic titles like Chief Creative Meddler and Global Brand Sanitizer aren't stupid enough. So the article claims that in 2015 we'll have titles like... "Chief Choreographer."

By the way, I think this is great because from what I remember of our agency Christmas party, most of our copywriters need help with their dance routines.

Also in 2015 "data will dominate all agency activity." This is very exciting because today, as far as I can tell, hostility and petty jealousy dominate all agency activity.

The main thing we have to understand is that ideas won't be important in the year 2015. As a matter of fact, ideas and creativity aren't much to be found in this article.

"Creative directors...will be overshadowed by experts... in all aspects of the new-media world -- from strategy and channel expertise to campaign execution, analytics and beyond." 

The orchestra will no longer need musicians. Just piano tuners.

You see, it's all going to be about technology.

"As the ultimate enabler in the new digital age, technology will no longer play a tangential role...the agencies with the best developers will be the new leaders."

It seems like us copywriters will not be necessary. That's okay. Let's watch these data geniuses argue with the fucking account planners and see how they like it.

We'll be practicing our dance numbers.

We cannot allow this futuristic baloney to go by without paying homage to the worst #1 hit in the history of pop music...

The Revolting Taste Of Sour Grapes

A million years ago, FCB in San Francisco was the largest ad agency office west of the Mississippi. The guy who ran the creative department was named Mike Koelker. Mike did some incredible work, particularly for Levi's, when that brand was on top of the world.

I never worked for or with Mike, but I did have the good fortune to meet him socially. He was a very smart guy. One day a group of us were talking about movies. We were all saying this movie is shitty and that movie is crappy...the usual bullshit.

After we were through being experts, Mike said, "I admire all movies. Knowing what I know about making a :30 tv spot, I can't imagine how any movie gets made. Anyone who can do that has my respect."

I feel that way today about independent ad agencies. Between the dual blights of conglomeratization and recession, anyone who's making it as an independent has my admiration. Believe me, I know how tough it is.

Whenever we're pitching against another independent and one of my team denigrates them, I say, "Amigo, all the dumb ones are gone. The only ones left are smart."

Why am I telling you this? Because last week I wanted to kill someone.

We recently won a nice piece of business. We worked our asses off and did a good job.

The new business guy from one of the loser independent agencies (who didn't even come in second) wrote a very nasty post on his blog. It insulted my agency and it insulted the client.

We all feel lousy when we lose a pitch. Most of us, however, understand that we're going to lose more than we win and are grown-up enough to take our losses in stride.

This guy wasn't. He wrote the kind of snide, childish, amateurish nonsense that someone looking to defend his failure to his management would write. Someone with decency, however, wouldn't put this trash on a blog.

What this guy probably doesn't know is that we had recommended his agency on a few occasions to clients we couldn't handle. Never again.

I can forgive, but I can't forget.

If You Haven't Seen This...
...don't miss it. From BusinessWeek, The Toyota Witch Hunt. (Full disclosure: Toyota's a client)