Delusional Branding Campaigns and Me

Marketing people and companies go on and on about brands. Unfortunately, most have little to no clue about how powerful brands are actually built. They think you do it with "branding" campaigns.

At some point, every too-big company gets the irresistible urge to do one of these branding campaigns.

As far as I’m concerned, this is just fine.

The branding campaign will be a bit of innocuous blather . No animals will be harmed. No products will be sold. Some big dumb agency will make a nice piece of change. Some media reps will keep their jobs for another six months. And a bunch of actors, photographers, and maybe even a few musicians will have a nice payday. So far, so good.

Sadly, there's a downside. Somewhere along the line, someone will decide that what the  campaign needs to say is that the company is just like me.

Sometimes their personality is just like me. Sometimes they understand me. Sometimes they even are me.

Now, I know me better than they do. And one thing I know for sure is that these companies are nothing like me. They don't eat really big meatball sandwiches like me. They don't do crossword puzzles at 3 a.m. like me. And they don't hate Whoopi Goldberg like me.

Right now, there are three too-big companies who’ve decided that they are just like me.

Yahoo! has my personality. And HTC cell phones "get" me. And Microsoft thinks they are me.

So here’s a tip for too-big companies planning to do a branding campaign.

I know and understand why your campaign is going to be a cliché-ridden, pointless, smelly pile of doody. That’s what most branding campaigns are. That’s fine. I've got no problem with that. It’s good for the economy. Go ahead and do it.

But, please, leave me the hell out of it.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                   

10 Ideas For Transforming Advertising

Yesterday, we received the following email from the head of the 4A's.

Are You A Transformer?

Dear Bob,

Like you, I’m tired of hearing from the same industry thought leaders talking about the same so-called thought-leading things at industry conferences. What I really want is to hear from you: If you had just five minutes in front of the entire advertising community, what would you say about transforming advertising as we know it?

I’ve started a new program called 4A’s Transformers, and we’ve just opened up our call for entries for anyone—inside or outside advertising—to share his or her transformational idea about advertising. For winning Transformers, we’ll give you five minutes on the conference mainstage at Transformation 2010, our annual meeting, which will be held February 28 through March 3, 2010, at the Hilton San Francisco Union Square.

What’s the catch? There is no catch. I’ll pick up the tab for your travel and hotel stay at the conference (roundtrip coach airfare and one-night at the Hilton). All you need to do is dazzle me (and the 4A’s Board of Directors) with your brilliant idea for transforming advertising.

Deadline for entries is Tuesday, January 12, 2010. Click here for contest details.

You’ve been blogging or twittering about what you’d do if you were in charge for years. Now’s your chance! What are you waiting for?

Here at Ad Contrarian global headquarters, we always welcome a challenge. So here we go...

10 Ideas For Transforming Advertising

1. No cranberry bagels at meetings. No exceptions.

2. While on duty, copywriters required to wear those Norwegian knit hats with the funny earflaps.

3. Reinstatement of the three martini lunch. After a 6-month trial period, optional upgrade to four.

4. Confiscate all computers and baseball caps from art directors.

5. Use of the following terms considered justifiable cause for termination: ecosystem, conversation, engagement, branding, quirky, landscape, seared ahi tuna and dashboard.

6. When making presentations, account planners must dress up as pirates and hop around on one foot.

7. Breakthrough idea for tv spots: Animals that talk!

8. Criminalize all products containing pomegranates or acai berries.

9.  Increase touch points from 360 degrees to 380 degrees.

10. Require Sir Martin Sorrell to walk around with his weenie out.
                                                                                                                                                                          

Tabulating The Results

I am happy to report that the preliminary voting for the 2009 Bully Awards for Outstanding Achievement in Advertising and Marketing Bullshit is nearly completed. Here's where the leading candidates stand at this time along with their percentage of the votes.

1. Pepsi "Breathtaking" logo document          38%
2, Understanding conversations                      25%
3. Windows 7 launch party                             15%
4. Build a brand in 30 days                              5%
5. Hal Riney is spinning                                  4%
6. We started on a journey                               4%
7. Headcount reductions                                  3%
8. 100 ways to measure social media              3%
9. When planners write ads                             1%
10. The conversation economy                       1%

Later this week, a brown ribbon panel of judges will meet, count the final votes, and finalize this year's winner of the Turd d'Or. You still have a few hours to vote.

Be sure to stay tuned to learn the winner of the 2009 Bully Award.


Matt Winston

I’ve had the good fortune to meet a lot of very smart people in my life. Matt Winston was among the smartest.

Matt could talk to you intelligently about virtually any topic imaginable, and usually had a point of view about it you had never considered.

A polymath and an autodidact, remarkably, he taught himself both Russian and Japanese.

Along with his wife Kazuko, he raised two of the finest kids I know --  my nephew Theo and my niece Aya.

Matt died last weekend after a brief but difficult battle with leukemia.

RIP Matt Winston.