July 30, 2016

Kev Sticks Little Weenie In Big Mouth

Kev, Kev, Kev... when are you going to learn to keep your stupid fucking mouth shut?

As regular readers know, I have a love-hate relationship with Saatchi & Saatchi Chief Global Douchinator Kevin Roberts. I love to ridicule his pompous horseshit (like here, here, and here) but I hate to listen to his dopey ramblings.

Well, ol' Kev went and did it the other day. He stuck his little ol' weenie in his big ol' mouth.

According to Business Insider Kev thinks the debate over gender diversity in the ad industry is 'over'. I'm sure all the people whose gender is diverser than his will be interested to learn this.

But before we get to ripping Kevin's skin from his stinking carcass, let's have a look at the context from which such ignorance and arrogance develops.

There is a certain type of middle aged male for whom business success and shit tons of money are not enough. Their egos need more. They need to believe that their power and money did not come from crass commercial pursuits, but from some inner vital force.

I call it Guru-itis. It is the belief that your fame and money make you a visionary. And that you have an obligation to educate, inspire and coach us poor fools into achieving your higher plane of enlightenment. 

You can find these creeps all over Silicon Valley, and in board rooms throughout the world.

Here are the symptoms of Guru-itis: 
  • You believe that the future is happening now but we mortals just can't see it. You, of course, can.
  • You believe the everyday concerns of average people are silly relics that need to be transcended.
  • You write a book about how people would be so much more productive and happy if they would just follow your shining example.
In the rarefied air of these Spiritually Enlightened Worldwide Blowhards, the concerns of us peasants  -- you know, like salary, advancement, and control over our lives -- are silly last-century trifles that we need to get over. 

According to these masters of the universe, everyone needs to join hands and have a harmonious view of life in which all are celebrated and appreciated, despite how assiduously we're being ignored, abused, and patronized by loudmouth aristocrats.

When you understand this, you understand Kev's fondness for New Age holistic horseshit. Usually it's just vapid marketing nonsense that doesn't really hurt anyone except the cretins dumb enough to listen to him. But this time he's in big trouble.

First Kevin blames the victims. According to him, when he tries to promote women into positions of creative leadership, two out of three times he hears...
'I don't want to manage a piece of business and people, I want to keep doing the work'," 
It's funny that he should hear that. I worked in the agency business for 200 years and I never heard that once. Not one fucking time. Never. 

Next Kev thinks the reason there are so few women in leadership roles  is because they're millennials and, you know, millennials are, like, a new species.
"If you think about those Darwinian urges of wealth, power, and fame — they are not terribly effective in today's world for a millennial because they want connectivity and collaboration."
Hey, Kev, connect and collaborate this.

On general principles I'm happy to blame millennials for just about anything, but I think Kev has turned out to be the only living human who believes the moronic crap we're fed at those idiotic "millennial summits." 

After blaming millennial indifference for our industry's blatant sexism, Kev actually trots out the "look how happy the slaves on the plantation are" argument.
"...we are trying to impose our antiquated shit on them, and they are going: 'Actually guys, you're missing the point, you don't understand: I'm way happier than you.' ...'We are not judging ourselves by those standards that you idiotic dinosaur-like men judge yourself by'."
Yeah, you plantation owners have no idea what fun we're having picking your cotton. We're having a blast out here in the fields while you dinosaurs are wasting your lives back there at the manor house sipping mint juleps.

It is astonishing that he even suggests this crap.

Then we get to the fun part.

Where he really makes his big mistake is taking on Cindy Gallop, a powerful advocate for women in advertising. I never met Cindy, but from what I've read I'd say that in about 30 seconds she could wrestle Kevin to the ground and force feed him his underwear.

Kev, Kev, Kev... a little advice from an ol' pal.

I have a feeling Cindy is about twice the man you are and I'd be careful to stay out of her way. She'll chew you up, and spit you out just to stimulate her gums.

Well, it's been fun having someone like Ol' Kev to kick around these past few years. But I'm afraid the fun is over.

Kev, it was nice knowing you.

UPDATE: A couple of hours after I posted this, Kev was shown the door.

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