November 09, 2014

I Hate Travel


Ever since my so-called retirement it seems I do nothing but travel. And I hate it.

It is a non-stop festival of sleep-deprivation, food poisoning, and yesterday's underwear.

Travel is supposed to teach me about the people of the world. But I already know about them. They're confused, unruly, and unpleasant -- just like me.

A woman in Spain looks exactly like a woman in New Jersey. Squat and puffy, wearing a Micheline man jacket, holding a large shopping bag in her left hand and something to eat in her right.

Everywhere I go I'm uncomfortable. Every airplane, hotel room, restaurant, and  cab ride. The only time I can sleep is in museums, and they don't have beds. 

Every modern airport looks like a perfect replica of '70s futurism, complete with disembodied female voices and genetically embedded marketing.

When I visit a palace, a castle or a cathedral, all I can think of are the thousands of poor bastards who died or starved so some creep could build a grotesque monument to himself or his worthless god.

As far as I'm concerned there are only two things worth traveling for -- a nice dip in the ocean or a really good pastrami sandwich.

20 comments:

john p woods said...

Best dip and bite double header. Is that what they mean 'pushing the boat out'?

George Tannenbaum said...

You're always welcome here in New York. And Liebman's, btw, was exemplary.

Matt said...

Jesus Bob, you need a holiday.

Patrick Scullin said...

You obviously aren't getting felt-up by the right TSA people.

bob hoffman said...

Where do I find the right ones?

Lewis LaLanne - NoteTakingNerd said...

The implication that there are "the right TSA people" hints that at some time soon (if it hasn't occurred already) "Naughty TSA officer" will be making it into the bedroom role playing schedules across the world, perhaps after is featured in it's first porn film. I can see it now - the porn spoof on the movie "Airplane" which would aptly be titled "This Is Not Airplane".

Charlotte said...

Oh, man, I miss the ocean and haven't had good pastrami in a year. Yes, definitely top two.

Sharon Krinsky said...

You're just a ray of fucking sunshine, aren't you?

Shanghai61 said...

Rule 34 ...

LeShann said...

How about you rename the blog the Admisanthrope?

Jim Powell said...

Can't you just Skype your shit? - all the kids are mad for it #yolo

Cecil B. DeMille said...

Business travel is the beta version of purgatory.

Tore Claesson said...

In China, I've found a new way of traveling. Bullet trains. (Yes, I know, they have some in Europe and Japan too.) Those bullets take you across the continent quicker door to door than any airline.
Sure, they scan your bag when you enter the waiting terminal, but other than that, you can show up 10-15 minutes before the train leaves, not 2 hours ahead. Nice, relatively soft and comfortable seats with enough legroom even for my 6'2". They also recline enough for you to not actually fall over forward should you doze off.
The food might be marginally better than airfood but at least you can get a beer when you want to and stretch your legs while you sip it. They've got restaurant cars just like good old trains. The toilets are roomier, two per car, and kept clean. And if you don't sleep or read you can always watch the landscape fly buy. Not just an empty sky. I hate flying. But not traveling.

Jeremy Nye said...

Well, if I'd met you during your recent visit to Europe I'd be feeling desperately hurt.

Lewis LaLanne - NoteTakingNerd said...

I had to Google that and now that I have I'm laughing...

Rule #34 - If it exists there IS porn of it

Stephen Eichenbaum said...

Chompies Deli in Phoenix AZ has several locations, including one near the ASU campus. Their pastrami is better than The Carnegie or Katz's in nyc, and worth traveling with the masses of asses on an airplane to enjoy.
Look at the bright side: The airlines will allow pets and livestock on board in another year.

RockTheWrinkle.com said...

I'm with you. After being stranded 3 days in an airport because the airlines wouldn't put me on the plane i had a ticket for, and on another trip not getting my luggage for 4 days, I'd rather take a frog.

Shanghai61 said...

Glad to be of service to you. Enjoy.

Shanghai61 said...

Best dip and bite double header?

Watson's Bay, Sydney. A refreshing swim, followed by Sydney's best fish and chips at Doyle's (next to the beach).

Or Portsea, outside Melbourne. Same deal - but a pub lunch after the swim at Portsea beach.

Either way, a little bit of heaven.

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