Top 10 Ways To Improve Ad Industry Morale

On Friday, The New York Times had one of those pieces that makes you think maybe your father was right when he said you should be a plumbing supply wholesaler. The title of the piece was An Ad Agency Crowdsources Its Own Employees’ Morale. I think a better title would have been The Clowns Are Doing The Clownsourcing.

The story, in a nutshell, goes like this: a NY agency ran a contest giving its employees some money for coming up with ideas for improving morale, particularly among their precious, super-pussified millennials. 

Apparently all these Gen Y weenies need to be hugged and pampered or they'll take their yoga mats and go back to mommy's basement.

There are so many things wrong with this I don't even know where to start.

First of all, when did a suggestion box become "crowdsourcing?" Was it when any lump of techno-garbage that actually worked became "user friendly?" When everything that didn't come in a plastic bag became "artisanal?"  Or when any piece of crap that didn't necessitate the killing of whales became "sustainable?"

Second, didn't we bury the rotten carcass of crowdsourcing last year along with "the conversation" and QR codes? Or are used-to-be-very-hip agencies still peddling this baloney?

Third, if a paycheck every two weeks, and a health plan, and a 401K, and someplace to drag their sorry asses every morning, and just a little bit of personal pride aren't enough to motivate these weenies, they can jump on their fixies and go back to Brooklyn.

And finally, what won the contest?  

"...turning over to employees about 4,500 square feet of space on the sixth floor of the agency’s New York headquarters, which they can use, individually and in groups, for personal, creative projects."

In other words, a playpen for the kindergarteners to do their finger painting.

Here's a personsourced idea. If you have 4,500 square feet of space sitting around in the middle of New York City gathering Higgs Bosons, how about turning it over to some poor slobs who really need it? Or is that not morale-building enough for these effete narcissists?

Okay, deep breath here.

Well, anyway, you know me. I'm here to help. So, as a service to those who are worried about morale in the advertising business, I have developed The Ad Contrarian's Top 10 Ways To Improve Ad Industry Morale.

Here we go:

1. Every Powerpoint slide must be written in Waloon and contain either a rainbow or a unicorn

2. Speakers at digital media conferences required to dress as their favorite Spice Girl

3. Move the Cannes International Advertising Festival to Orlando

4. Do a switch -- put the timesheets in the bathroom and the toilet paper in the HR department

5. Before being hired at an agency, candidates for the job of Social Media Director required to say the word "ecosystem" continuously until they throw up 

6. Criminalize webinars

7. Change everything that's global to worldwide, and everything that's worldwide to global

8. New FCC regulation: All truck spots must have at least one ballerina

9. At the opening of annual 4As Management Conference, Sir Martin Sorrell required to sing "Knock Three Times"

10. Upgrade E-mail to F-mail

I got your improved morale right here.