At The Gate

"Welcome to Flight 81 to Chicago. We will begin boarding in just a few moments.

"Before we begin, families traveling with young children and people needing extra time to get down the jetway are welcome to pre-board now. Also, annoying people who are hanging around this desk and bugging the shit out of me are also welcome to board.

"When we begin boarding we will start with our First Class passengers, followed by our 1K passengers and members of Star Alliance, Co-Star Alliance, Lone Star Alliance, Ringo Starr Alliance, and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star Alliance.

"Then we will board Premier Executives, Premier Middle-Management, Premier Regular Guys, Premier Part-Time, Premier Hourly, and Premier Administrative Leave.

"Next, we will board Mileage Plus Platinum, Mileage Plus Gold, Mileage Plus Silver, Mileage Plus Bronze, Mileage Plus Magnesium, Mileage Plus Tungsten, and Mileage Plus Roughage.

"After which we will board our Dirt members -- Dirt Diamond, Dirt Emerald, Dirt Sapphire and Just Plain Dirt.

"Once our elite categories have been boarded we will begin general boarding. Please look at your boarding card. On it you will find either a group number or a color code.

"We will begin general boarding with Group 1. Because of a change of equipment, Group 3 will be boarding before Group 2. If you are in Group 4, please proceed down the jetway backwards. If you are in Group 5 and Group 6, we ask you to buddy-up and board the aircraft holding hands.

"If, on your boarding pass, you have a color code, you will board in the following order: We will start with Threat Level Red, then Threat Level Orange, Threat Level Beige, and Threat Level Plaid. All color-coded passengers should be prepared to have their underthings searched for explosive devices. If you have explosive devices in your underwear, please remove them now and bring them to the desk. We will check them through and deliver them to you upon arrival in Chicago.

"Once we have completed general boarding, we will proceed with supplementary boarding. Supplementary boarding will proceed as follows: people with turbans, followed by people who think pianos can fit in overhead bins, followed by people with nasty rashes, and finally, branding consultants.

Thank you for flying United and welcome to the Friendly Skies."