That's right -- a 'Brand Butler.'
Here's what I learned...
"...customers expect that the brands they do business with truly care."Thank goodness someone in marketing finally gets it!
I want my brands to truly care about me! That's right, ME! I've had it with brands that don't understand me as a person; or even worse, don't even know who I really am! I am special, darn it, and I expect everyone and everything to truly care about ME!
Well, as luck would have it, yesterday I was not feeling well. I'd had a fight with my wife. Coincidentally, I also needed gas in my car. So I went down to the Texaco.
I started pumping away, when out came Razi from behind his bullet-proof glass enclosure.
"Mr. Bob, you look sad. What is the problem?" Razi said.
"I'm bummin', Raz. My wife called me a feckless bag of paunchy protoplasm. "
"Hmm. You have to admit, Mr. Bob, it's kind of poetic...in a cruelly truthful sort of way," he said.
"You know, Mr. Bob. Here at Texaco, we're not just concerned about "the" environment. We're concerned about everybody's environment. Especially your personal environment."
"Really, Mr. Bob. What can we at Texaco do to make you feel better by showing you that we truly care?"
"Well, Raz, first I think I need a hug."
"Not gonna happen, Mr. Bob."
"Well, then, maybe you could have a Facebook page with lots of icky platitudes about your commitment to me as a customer. You could use words like "holistic" and "wellness" and "renewal."
"But Mr. Bob, we're a rapacious oil and gas company, not a spa."
"Do you truly care?"
"Then, my friend, you must learn that in the modern world of marketing no wretched level of fraudulent groveling is too revolting. May I quote from a recent blog I read?...
"...brands urgently need to hone their 'butlering skills,' focusing on assisting consumers to make the most of their daily lives..."
"Their what skills, Mr. Bob?"
"So you mean, I need to be kind of a.... a.....brand butler!"
"You know, Raz, I think you have a future as a shameless bullshit artist...oops, I mean, a marketing blogger."