Exit Interview With Pope Benedict XVI

As you may have heard, there is an election going on at the Vatican. In 1268, electing a new Pope took over 2 years (that was before touch-screen voting.)

In order to keep my readers fully informed I recently traveled to Castel Gandolfo where I had an exit interview with newly retired Pope Benedict XVI (Roman numerals can only be used by Popes and Super Bowls. Look it up.)

Pope Benedict (real name: Joseph Ratzinger) turned out to be a totally cool guy and was really into the exit interview thing. Here’s a quick recap:

• Likes to be called:  Ben; Benny

• Didn’t like to be called: Your Total Popeness; JoeyRats; Ratzo 

• Best thing about being Pope: "I love working with people. And God." 

• Worst thing: Writing annual performance reviews for the Cardinals

• Most proud of:  The kitchen remodel in the Papal apartments

• Biggest mistake: Should have taken the Ravens and points

• Future of the Church: "One word -- mobile"

• Core competencies for next Pope:  1) sense of humor 2) should know some html 3) "believe it or not, it's a big plus if he can make a killer lasagna."

• Favorite singer: Wilson Pickett 

• Favorite band: Abba 

• Favorite app: Papal (I think he meant PayPal -- TAC)

• If he wasn't Pope: "I don't know, maybe dentist or copywriter." 

• Wishes he had more time for: Working out

• Best subject in seminary: Heresy In Twentieth Century Cinema

• Worst subject: Algebra ("Quadratic equations? Like I'm gonna use that?")

• Favorite TV program: Antiques Roadshow

• Favorite movie: Anything with Jonah Hill

• Likes to: Slow dance 

• Pet peeve: Vatican internet “crazy slow.”