The ROI On Bullshit

It seems that Twitter has now become an essential business tool.

An article* appeared in AdAge last week entitled "When Calculating Twitter's ROI, Don't Forget Its Change on Organizations." The article began by asking the following question:

"What's the bigger idea: social media as marketing stimulus or social media as a way to innovate business processes? "

Personally, I believe the correct answer is social media as a giant fucking waste of time.

Here's my experience. As the head of a company, I'll often walk into someone's office and find that she's engaged in social media. She will immediately try to close out of the page. However, the eye is quicker than the hand.

Based on this, I have created an algorithm to calculate the observed ratio between doing something productive for the business in social media and wasting fucking time in social media. Here are the results:

Doing something productive: 0%
Wasting fucking time: 100%

Now let's be honest here. I have nothing against wasting fucking time. I've pretty much made a career out of it. But let's not bullshit each other either. Let's not pretend that all that time you're spending with Twitter and Facebook and LinkedIn is doing anything other than helping you get laid, hired, or high.

And, just for the record, I have nothing against that either. Just don't try to tell me you're doing it for the good of the organization.

Apparently, the point of the article in question is that Twitter doesn't just have fabulous sales benefits to your company, but it also miraculously transforms your company in ways you just can't measure.

I use the word "apparently" because it's very hard to tell what the fuck this guy is talking about. The author is fond of using the dense, indecipherable language of the chronically confused. Some examples:

"It's hard to turn over a rock in social media, dip your toe into Twitter or comment on someone's blog without rethinking the fundamentals of a firm's organization, product development and even listening infrastructure."

"The end outcome, whether intentional or incidental, is a disintermediation of existing, and potentially more expensive, processes."

Yeah, whatever.

So now Twitter doesn't just freshen your breath and keep your engine humming, it also magically transforms your whole organization.

With any luck we are reaching the turning point on all this Twitter bullshit. When we get "Twitter: The Musical" we'll know the end is near.

Just One More Thing...
'...the end outcome'? As opposed to what? The beginning outcome?

Just Another More Thing...
'...Calculating Twitter's ROI'? Do normal people really do shit like this?

One Last More Thing...
One of these days I'm going to write a post without the word "bullshit" in it. I promise.

Just Another Last More Thing...
Don't miss this.

*Shout out to Roger Lewis for sending me this article. When the hell are you gonna send me something?