My New Facebook Strategy

Half my Facebook friends I don't know. The other half I don't like. So I'm thinking about a new strategy for my Facebook page.

It started a few weeks ago when I decided to cull my 'friends.'

First I unfriended everyone who was using Facebook to Twitter. (Here's a tip. Nobody gives a shit that it's sunny in your fucking backyard, okay?)

Then I unfriended everyone who used Facebook to bore the shit out of me with their stupid political opinions.

Then I unfriended everyone guilty of gratuitous over-sharing. (Another tip: Your personal hygiene, sex, and bowel habits are best kept to yourself.)

Then I unfriended everyone who thought Facebook was a scrapbook for posting every fucking picture they had of their rotten brats.

Then I unfriended everyone who flaunted their important big-shot friends.

I'm now down to about 75 friends and it feels really good. It's like cleaning all that ugly old shit out of your closet.

So here's my new strategy. I'm thinking of taking it to the next level. I'm thinking that I'll set a limit of 50 friends.

I'll give a free pass to my daughter, my real friends, and the other 3 or 4 people I actually like. The rest have to earn their way on.

They either have to post entertaining updates, or take me out for pizza (thin crust, no fucking pineapple) or do something to earn their way on. Maybe I'll charge $1,000.

Then I'll rank them.

Every few weeks I'll drop #50 and give someone new a chance. If they perform they can stay. If I find out they're branding consultants, or don't drink, or think Whoopi Goldberg is funny, they're gone.

By the way, no credit cards. Cash or check only.