Scientists Discover "The Brand Gene"

"Brand affinity is clearly hard wired. It is...fundamental to human existence. It must have a genetic component."
Google CEO, Eric Schmidt.

NEW YORK - In a paper published today, researchers from the University of Search Engine Optimization claim to have discovered the brand gene.

For years geneticists have speculated that humans must have a "brand gene." How else, they say, can you explain the success of Meineke Mufflers and Pillsbury Toaster Strudel?

The article claims that the brand gene first appeared about 200,000 years ago and helped our species develop language, social skills, and really cool sunglasses.

Anthropologists speculate that previously there was another species of human-like primates that did not have the brand gene. These proto-humans walked upright and developed primitive tools, but couldn't tell Jif from Skippy, and believed Evian and Crystal Geyser were pretty much the same stuff. Scientists marvel at their survival.

Geneticists say that through a chance mutation, one individual was born with the brand gene.

This individual had a huge advantage over others of his species. While others walked around cluelessly in Gap, he felt an affinity for Abercrombie and Fitch. He drove a wicked cool Pontiac Vibe instead of his father's Oldsmobile Alero.

They speculate that in short order members of this new species had swooshes on their clubs and little alligator logos on their animal skins. This led to lots of super-hot cave sex and a thriving new species.

Scientists have named this newly discovered species "nebranderthal man" (Homo nebranderthalensis.)

It wasn't long before nebranderthal man made it out of Africa, to Soho and Beverly Hills where brands of greater and greater complexity were developed.

Today, scientists are devising tests to help those born with defective brand genes. These people can often be seen wearing a Hard Rock Cafe t-shirt or driving a Mitsubishi Galant. To help these people, activists are calling for universal brand gene screening.

Scientists claim that because we now know the genetic basis for brand affinity, they are beginning to understand previously unexplained phenomena, like the existence of Panda Express and Cool Ranch Doritos.

Today's report adds fuel to the ongoing disagreement between those who believe branding is a fundamental component of human existence -- like eating, breathing, sex and shoplifting -- and those who believe it's just a load of marketing bullshit.