3 Ways To Never Be Wrong

One of the big problems with being a marketing expert is that deep down you know that you really don't know anything. If you knew something, you'd be rolling in money from all your marketing brilliance. It's that "those who can, do..." thing.

Most of the time it doesn't matter. You can get away with not knowing anything by talking in riddles, parables, and indecipherable jargon. For example, here are three points from an article I read recently:

• "Notification windows introduce a thin layer for rapid engagement."

• "The Internet of Things is a hot and beautiful mess until it becomes the Internet of Everything"

• "Mass personalization and full funnel marketing suites reset vendor landscape and change how brands “think” and work."

Maybe there's something in there that means something, but I'll be fucked blind if I know what it is. Nonetheless, the article was read by hundreds of thousands of people who are apparently a lot smarter than I am. It received thousands of "thumbs ups"

I guess as long as you write stuff like that and avoid real English and saying anything specific you'll be fine. People, being the insecure dimwits that they are, assume that since you are an expert and they're not, all this hogwash must mean something.

The tough part comes when you have to say something in real English with real words and real meaning. Because, if you're a prototypical marketing genius, pretty much everything you say in real English with real words and real meaning that hasn't already been said a hundred times is going to turn out to be wrong.

Consequently, you need an effective strategy for dealing with those unfortunate times when you can't speak in nursery rhymes and have to actually say something.

Here are three effective strategies for being dead wrong, but maintaining your "expert" status.

• "I wasn't wrong, I was ahead of my time." This is also known as the "just wait, you'll see" defense.

• "Of course, I didn't mean it literally." You see, the philistines don't understand the subtleties of an allegory.
  

• "It may seem like I was wrong, but if you look beyond..." This is the "broader view" defense and is sometimes known as "torturing the logic."

Fortunately, most people are too distracted by the fires that are burning to go back and see how wrong you were. But just in case you run into some pain-in-the-ass who is insistent on pointing out your imperfections, keep these three defenses in mind and you'll be just fine.