Death And Advertising

As all ad contras know, the best way for a loudmouth meatball to grab some cheap headlines is to declare something "dead." The more absurd the claim, the better.

So if you want to be on the cover of Banker's Weekly, just make a speech declaring that money is dead. If you want to be published in Dairy World, write an article asserting that milk is dead. It doesn't matter that you have no facts and that everything you say is just made-up bullshit. You'll grab some headlines, and moron journalists will line up for interviews.

Here at The Ad Contrarian World Headquarters, we have created a whole department devoted to documenting and archiving all the things related to advertising that are now supposed to be dead.

Today, I am happy to report, we have a new all-time champion in the Department of Dopey Declarations of Death. It is the ceo of a very famous agency. In one fell swoop (by the way, what the hell is a fell swoop?) our new titleholder has declared the following things dead:

• Strategy
• Big Ideas
• Management
• Marketing

It's not really clear from the article what killed all these poor babies, but my money's on social media. Apparently, there is nothing in the galaxy that can survive the deadly power of social media.

Of course, we've heard most of this nonsense a thousand times before so there's really nothing new here. The thing that makes it curious, though, is that it comes from the ceo of an ad agency. As the ceo of an agency myself, I have always foolishly believed that what we overfed ad honchos are getting paid for is...

• Strategy
• Big Ideas
• Management
• Marketing

Boy, am I a schmuck.

Why the hell am I busting my ass here trying to give my clients all this stuff? This guy's rolling in dough and all he's doing is prancing around making speeches saying it's all dead.

So I've got a new strategy...oops, sorry, it's not a strategy...that died...it's a...a "conversation" or a "shared value" or something...

Anyway, I'm going to take a page out of this guy's book, and I'm officially finished worrying about all this dead crap. If there is an agency out there who needs a ceo with no interest in strategy, ideas, management or marketing, I'm your man. And I'll do it for half what you're paying that other guy.

7 Things I Learned This Week

Last Friday I started something new called 10 Things I Learned This Week. It actually got some readership, which is rare for a Friday. So I think I'll milk this baby.

Here are 7 things I learned this week.

1. 73% of North Americans say they would rather give up their social networks than their TV.

2. In Portland, they are creating retirement homes for chickens.

3. Most depressing advertising story of the week: This hypocritical, showboating, insincere nonsense from someone who should know better. More about this on Monday.

4. According to the TSA, their officers "followed proper screening procedures" when they insisted on physically patting down an hysterical 4-year-old girl.

5. Conrado "Connie" Marrero was a pitcher for the Washington Senators. "One day (Ted) Williams got two home runs off me, and afterward he came up to me and said 'Sorry, it was my day today,' Marrero recalled. "I responded, 'Ted, every day is your day.'" Marrero turned 101 on Wednesday in his home town of Havana, Cuba. He is the oldest surviving major league baseball player.

6. In 1982, the U.S. led the world in the percentage of 25- to 34-year-olds who had the equivalent of a two-year college degree. In 2009, the U.S. was 15th.

7. There is a new cable TV channel. It is called DogTV. It runs 24-hour programming for dogs. According to The New York Times the programming consists of "three- to six-minute segments featuring grassy fields, bouncing balls and humans rubbing dog tummies." Sounds better than the crap I've been watching.

The Magical Power Of Advertising

One of the untold stories of the new age of marketing is the way it has lead us back to an old way of thinking .

Advertising was once thought to be magic. We had silly books like "The Hidden Persuaders" and dumb-ass movies like "The Hucksters" which propagated the nonsense that people were compliant sheep who were easily mesmerized by us diabolical ad hacks.

As time went on, a more realistic account of the power of advertising arose. People weren't all docile idiots; they didn't piss their money away on any piece of crap the marketing industry threw at them; advertising needed to have some thinking behind it to be effective.

The ad industry grew up, the marketing industry grew up, our creative people grew up, and our clients grew up. We came to understand that advertising's power was limited and contingent. We came to understand that a lot of advertising was wasteful and inefficient. We learned that television was not a miracle and advertising was not magic.

But now the magic is back.

This time, of course, the magicians have new rabbits and new hats. But it's all still illusions.

This time around consumers want to have conversations with us and "co-create." All we have to do is give them "compelling content" and get all social with them.

The new illusions are just as absurd as the old.

It's time, once again, for everyone to grow up.